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Love Lab


Sex with the ex

People have many different opinions about what it means to have sex with your ex.  Some say never do it, some say who cares and some say it depends…

A friend of mine was dumped a couple months ago by her boyfriend. He texted her that he couldn’t do it anymore and then blocked her number and cut her out of his life. This was easy for him as they were in a long distance relationship and he was off to Hong Kong for an indeterminate amount of time to work.

This girl was crushed. She cried all the time and her self-esteem plummeted. Always creating a strong attachment to her boyfriends she suddenly found herself alone without any explanation as to why and no way of contacting the ex to ask him. But, after a couple weeks of tear soaked pillows she picked herself up and started dating again. She went through several guys before settling on two she really liked. She dated both of them for a little while, trying to figure out who she liked more and who she would rather spend her time with. She was feeling like her old self again but still felt the phantom itch of her abruptly cut off ex.

And then, recently, she stumbled across a social media posting announcing his return home and a flood of emotions came rushing back in. There had been enough time and consoling from friends that the tears had turned to anger over the last month and she hoped she would run into him only to look amazing and rub it in his face. I don’t think she would admit this to anyone but she’ll never get over him fully. He broke her in more ways than one and the damage he did will stay with her for the rest of her life.

So knowing that he was back in town, she wondered if he would reach out her. They hadn’t heard from or seen each other in several months and she worried that he would come and go without a thought or care for her, but he did eventually text her, begging to meet up and talk if only for an hour. After getting several opinions from friends she eventually decided to go. I thought it was a good idea for her to hear an explanation from him for the way he ended things. I thought it would help her move on and find someone worthy of her.

I found out from her that they did meet for a drink, food, and then of course, like the sly devil he is, ended up spending the night with her. In my opinion and in this particular case, I think this was a mistake. I’ve known this girl my whole life and she does not do well with break-ups. She told me that the morning after she felt terrible and now wonders if he was only doing it for sex. I don’t think he was but what I do think is that she was finally at a good place in her life and now she’s distraught. The ex made all these claims about how he wants to be with her and marry her and knows she’s the only girl for him but that right now he just can’t deal with the emotional strain of a long distance relationship. This is something he’s been saying since date #1, two years ago. I think it was unfair of him and I think she should’ve said goodnight after the drink but she didn’t and now I’m left picking up the pieces all over again.

He’s still not here and they’re still not going to be together so now he’s rushed back into her life and confused things. She doesn’t know what to do about the two other guys she’s dating and she really doesn’t have answers about her ex’s intentions of future plans other than he said to her “you won’t be the one who got away”. What is a girl supposed to do with that?

I think if you’re going to have sex with your ex, you have to make sure you know exactly why. You have to know how both parties feel and you have to be OK for it all to fall apart again. You can’t do it just because you miss someone or you’re lonely. You can’t do it because, well, why not. People are sensitive and sex can be emotional. It’s never a bad thing to practice self-control, no matter how much you want to or think you’ll be OK. And some people will be. Plenty of people do not have an emotional reaction to sex and they can just be who they want.  Their emotions are triggered by other things, but you really have to know yourself.

All I’m saying is, please, if you’re going to have a night with your ex, take a moment to listen to yourself and remember the other person. Whether you got dumped or did the dumping or even if it was mutual (is it ever really mutual?), just think first. Otherwise you run the risk of hurting yourself and the other person. Is it really worth it?


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