Looking back at old home videos, it’s so hard for me to imagine that we were once a happy, close knit family. Looking at how my parents were with one other and seeing how happy they were, it makes me wonder, what happened? Why can’t life just be happily ever after? It’s always full of damage, secrets and liars.
Why am I not close to my family anymore? I don’t remember the exact moment my father stopped caring or when the close knit family just fell apart, I seem to have a mental block, like I can’t physically remember anything before I was nine. Even my early teens are a bit blurry, I don’t know if it’s anything to do with the divorce or just that I have a bad memory. Unfortunately I do remember the endless nights of crying and wishing my daddy would come home and my sister trying to explain and comfort me. I do think in a strange way my trust issues and abandonment problems arise from this period in my life. I also think my stepdad leaving affected me more, in terms of people abandoning me.
My stepdad always used to promise me and my sister that he would never leave or treat us the way our dad had. He was around for a while after the split and then, just like my dad had, he completely forgot about us. He moved on with his life with his new women. The only time I heard anything from my dad was if he wanted something or had a new wife or gf to boast about. These things are all true, I would not need to make them up and the scars and bad memories are etched into my brain. I have learnt that I don’t need them in my life, but it would be nice if they were.
The hardest thing for me to get my head around is, how for 9 years you can love and care for someone and then leave as if none of it ever mattered and you never even cared. My dad I can just about understand, but I don’t think my stepdad has any excuse. Whether he knew or not, he was my father figure and my dad, no matter what he says or thinks. Being a part of someones life, bringing them up through difficult times and being there when their real dad was not, I just don’t understand how they walk around like nothing ever happened.
I am still at a stage in my life where I care way too much about these two men. Neither of them are my dad in my eyes, because a father would not subject their child to the stress and agony I have had to face. I say all that but deep down there is a longing for a normal, happy family and a way of wiping all the bad memories away.
For me, I know dwelling on the past is no good, especially for my head, but to be 100% again I need to resolve all those unanswered questions. I need to confront those painful memories of my dad leaving and my stepdad dismissing me out of his life, like I never meant anything to him. Even thinking about these things gives me anxiety and self loathing. It makes me think I was never good enough for them to want me in their lives, or that I must not mean anything to anyone if my own dad doesn’t care about me. I have had these thoughts all my life and carrying them around has and still does make me ill. I think that’s mainly why I can’t remember much, because I have blocked it all out so I can’t remember anything, good or bad.
I’m hoping that when I see the psychologist these things can be sorted out. I think a lot of the issues I have with men is another reason why I have not had a serious relationship; I don’t think I could fully trust someone or that I could let my barriers down and let them in emotionally. I don’t ever want to get hurt again, I don’t think I could handle it.