The pressure to not be unwell around the festive season is so full on. Its all you think about. Im constanly staring at my scars thinking they’re still so fresh. I’m still unwell.
The overwhelming feeling of wanting to be well can actually be the cause of you going downhill. For me the pressure is so present. It’s tomorow and things feel like they’re falling away from me. My mother is unwell and always has been. I constanly fear for her health and wellbeing, which she doesn’t know about. The pressure for me to be well, so I can look after or make sure my mum is ok is really hard to bear, the ongoing battle with work and money seems never-ending and to top it all off, my bpd is still not very stable.
I just had a panic attack, no lie. The things I have written about almost feel suffocating, like I can’t breathe or escape. In many instances I can’t. I can’t just run away from my unwell mother or ignore my ever present mental state. Even though I so long to.
Christmas is meant to be a time to enjoy and spend time with people you love, but no matter how hard I try to be happy and caring, the BPD bomb just slaps me in the face and I end up hurting someone or arguing. I so want to be ‘normal’ and happy but christmas, for me, brings bad feelings and memories of past people, who so obviously don’t care about me anymore. Not having these people around me at this time of year just makes things that little bit harder.
Lots of people dont understand what its like to be inside my head. It’s a costant ride of uncertainty and bad thoughts of which you can’t just jump away from. So I am buckled in and getting on with it.
I do hope I have shed some light on what it’s like for me at Christmas.