Isn’t it funny how when we look back at things,we probably knew the answer at the very beginning! I think sometimes the heart doesn’t communicate so well with our brain! It is easy to get swept away with excitement and adventure and to disguise these feelings as love.
I knew a boy, he was so lovely, my friends adored him and he seemed so attentive and caring that I absolutely believed he could possibly be the one. We enjoyed time together and he made me feel so amazing and lucky until one day………! The day I realised that he had a vile twisted temper and to increase his own security tried to take mine away. He would switch from adoring me to hurting me (not physically) but emotionally he would make me crumble. He would say that in order to see how he felt about me he had to see other girls, he wasn’t secure with me so instead of being a man he would play pathetic little games to destroy mine. He had a great relationship with my children, so I hid how I felt and pretended everything would be ok. I was very very wrong!
I am a strong woman but don’t get me wrong, I am sensitive too, I hurt like crazy but smiled through it all. At the beginning of our meeting I never truly felt in my head that he was the one. He drank way too much, morning, afternoon, night …..whenever! I am not a big drinker but thought maybe it was me that was somehow missing out. The night of simply watching tv would be at least 2 bottles of wine! I began to change who I was and slowly try and become what he wanted me to be. I would be told what my flaws were and the reason we ever disagreed was always down to me!
The last incident was when he decided to spend a lot of time with me, but declare that he didn’t know how he felt about me. So in order to decide, he was going to meet a girl from work. He told me he had seen her once only for a drink a while before, but was going out with a group of friends and she would be there. I tore myself to absolute pieces that week, my heart hurt so much. I actually couldn’t understand why I was accepting this behaviour but I did. He knew how I felt, yet would say things. Like ‘I wasn’t going to go but now you have said that, I am’ or ‘you have made me feel insecure so I am going’ simply cruel and soul destroying. He would remind me that he worked with her and I am sure this was to create anxiety for me when he worked, and it did the trick really well! To others he would seem Mr lovely and kind but underneath his pretence was a bitter, twisted boy!
I sat with one of my closest male friends one night and simply explained! I was exhausted and confused and felt as low as I could possibly be. He held me so tight and when I looked had tears best place buy nolvadex online down his face too. His hurt was that a stupid horrible boy had made me feel so low, in his opinion, used me for sex and tried to destroy the person that I was. It was funny that night, to be held by someone who genuinely loved me, the difference, the firm hold, the kiss on my head and the wiping away my tears! This was a man, a real one, he wasn’t a boy!
My friends said that during this time, I became distant and wouldn’t open up. A very close friend actually thought that I was not in her life much anymore. I didn’t want to explain how I really felt and nor did I want to let anyone see that I was hurting so much. I knew that if I told my close pals what was really going on they would react! I blinded myself to see the truth and I wanted him to love me!
The thing is, some people are incapable of love, they see sex as a game and playing someone as entertainment! Subsequently the guy did play me, he did blame me for pushing him into it and he did meet his friends and her. Funny how at first I felt crazy jealous and sad, however from that very moment everything became crystal clear! He had more issues than an episode of Eastenders, suddenly I felt pity! I was done, but that poor poor girl he wanted to see. Was she even real or was it a game to hurt me? If she ever was real I don’t envy her, the life with a cheat and a liar who plays games. Who uses children’s feelings for his own personal gain. A life of worry and worthlessness. Don’t get me wrong she won’t see it coming…..This guy is super convincing, but slowly and surely he will reveal his true colours.
The thing is I knew this at the beginning, my head had major concerns. He lied about his ex-girlfriend and told me he never wanted to be with her, she was just a fuck buddy and they just ended up together because of the sex……..Who does that? My head had doubt from the beginning, my heart took over unfortunately. Now I feel the greatest sense of relief and independence. I was lucky to have the sense to never chase him again, block him from my life and move on. I see how so many women get swept along with the wave of Lust/love.
More to the point this guy had the weirdest fantasies and desires, I have to giggle to myself now wondering what ridiculous ideas of swinging and seedy sex clubs and having sex with lots of people in an open environment this poor unsuspecting girl will have to endure! Don’t get me wrong I never did any of those things, he asked me too so I simply pacified him with maybe one day lol! Fortunately I moved on from that whole experience and became a lot wiser!
Nowadays I listen to my head whilst my heart stays quiet!