Women are a universally confusing and cryptic creatures. We’ll often say something with a smile on our face whilst internally exploding over it, our unblinking eyes burning hatred into those of the unsuspecting girl we’re speaking to. We just can’t speak our minds sometimes, because our minds are spewing trills of filth and profanity. Thus I’ve composed a list of all the things we’re dying to say, and all the things that end up coming out of our twitching mouths.
1) Someone perkily asks how you are.
What you want to say: ‘Well actually I haven’t washed my hair in three days, my concealer wont hide my giant bags, I almost ran over an elderly pedestrian on my way over here and I’m pretty sure her trolly is still attached to my back wheel, my stupid sprog’s just puked on the blouse I bought with my rent money, the babysitter quit because my son burned her eyebrows off and there’s a massive ladder in my tights just slightly above the hem of my skirt. Please don’t talk to me.’
What you say: ‘Fine, you?’
2) Your boyfriend is going out with his friends for the third night in a row.
What you want to say: ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going, you absolute pleb? I thought we were going to stay in and watch Come Dine With Me. Are you trying to say your friends are more important than quality time with this hot piece of ass? Do you not find me sexy anymore? I thought I was the Victoria to your David, but obviously not ;_; As soon as you leave I’m gonna talk about you to my friends.’
What you say: ‘Sure, have a nice time. Honey.’
3) Someone makes a passive-aggressive comment about your outfit
What you want to say: ‘Erm, what? What? What did you just say to me? Did I hear this bitch right? Do you want a fight, Shrek? Because I will give you a fight. Rip those cheap-ass extensions right out of your big ol’ head and strangle you with them… Say my top is flattering to my larger shape one more time, girl, go ahead, see what happens. Oh, staying silent are we? THOUGHT SO.
What you say: ‘Thanks! ha ha…’ *crazed expression*