When I first moved here, I had a HUGE bag full of projects, dreams and ideas of what was I gonna do with my time, my life and the space I was being given. But that bag of goodies was alongside a big one full of fears, uncertainty, insecurities and lots and lots of beliefs (right and wrong) which, I didn’t know, I was unconsciously carrying around.
Some of those dreams don’t exist anymore and some others have been frozen, buried in time and deceptions. Some seem so impossible to achieve that I hung them in the stars…there was no choice. But the one that does remain and has kept me going (most of the time, inadvertently) is to be a writer.
I’ve said it several times, that I’m bipolar, but the kind used to being busy with work, going out, having a life, with ups and downs too, very high and very low, but still able to go on. However, suddenly the universe granted me a wish I longed for: not to work. In these past months, I’ve realised how dangerous it is wanting to have your wishes granted if you are not focused or specific about what you desire. The universe will give you what you ask for but if you were not smart enough in your words you can find yourself in a messy mess…
Ah the Pussy Cat Dolls are singing in my mind: “be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it…” – I like how this saying sounds with Nicole’s voice.
In amongst a mix of quest and wishes, I found Women Make Waves.
At first I thought, “not sure about this magazine, I’ll give it a try and see” – insert thinking smiley – and then wrote a very light article, put it for review and grew sooo anxious while checking every day to see if it was approved and uploaded. The way I felt (and feel every time I remember) when I saw my not-such-a-great-piece published, PUBLISHED! Oh the Goddess bless you all! I even shared the link with y family, my entire family… I felt so proud and happy and fulfilled.
I think I’ve been growing since that first article. I don’t publish that often because I’m in the learning process. After reading other pieces of the great women writers that are part of this sisterhood, I felt a bit embarrassed and decided to make a better effort and start learning more about how to properly write in English, how to write an article and I’m, obviously, still in the process. At first I felt sad and bad because I really wanted to write and be as good as many of you are, but then other personal stuff started to get me.
As I’ve said before, I wish I didn’t have to work (oh just to make it clear, I’ve worked since I was 12, had my son when was 25 and 6 months after, I started to work non-stop and didn’t really have the chance to enjoy him growing up, that’s why I wanted to be a stay at home mom, just to be a devoted wife and mom. Remember, I said I had a bag full of beliefs right and *wrong*? Well, this is one of *them*… I’ve now learned that being at home 24/7 doesn’t necessarily make you a devoted/good wife and mom); but staying at home has actually f**** up me more that I ever imagine.
Suicidal thoughts are supposed to be ‘normal’ when you’re bipolar and feeling down, but I never had them until few months ago. It has never been an option for me though, so I hold on to my optimistic part in that regard. I’ve talked to my doctor, but sometimes it is really hard to communicate well and exactly what I feel (I should read him this article, maybe things will be easier to understand LOL!), so, don’t worry I’m working on getting myself fixed.
One day, while checking Facebook, I bumped into a very interesting conversation you girls were having and I got hooked and then someone liked my comment and then someone else replied to my comment and then the discussion was sooo amazingly different, yet nice and constructive that I just kept on coming back to see what was going on, to read and learn. Women Make Waves has saved my life in so many ways, many times, that I feel blessed for finding you all. I’ve never felt this accepted before, never felt so valued and respected in my opinions, my points of view and my writing.
I’m trying to see this period of life as the space I need to sort some shit I needed to, but I was just denying was there. The support you have given me doesn’t have a price and I value each and every one of you and regard you as friends and sisters.
To all those women that are part of this amazingly great community, I just want to say that please know it doesn’t matter where you are, who you are or if we have ever interacted, if you have something to say, please say it, I URGE you, even if you think it’s of no value or relevant, remember there’s someone like me in need of hearing a voice of support through you.