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When is the ‘right’ time to walk out of a relationship…

The truth is… there is never a right time… a break up is painful for everyone involved however only you know how you feel and what you want in life.

I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship for 4 years with a man who had NPD, extreme OCD and was, to this day, the most insecure person I’ve ever met. His addiction to Anabolic Steroids contributed to his aggressive, possessive and paranoid behaviour. He had a very old fashioned way of treating women. I was ‘the housewife’ end of story. I belonged in the home, looking after the children, the house and putting dinner on the table for when he got home from work. Unfortunately, that’s just not me. I want to work! I enjoy working! I would have stocked shelves at Tesco if he had let me! Although he was never physically abusive, he was most definitely, emotionally. He destroyed me mentally and physically to a point where I no longer got dressed on a morning. I remember in the last year of the relationship, writing to my doctor telling her that I wanted to ‘sleep forever’ and I was concerned for my children. I was having a breakdown. My friends and family were devastated. He had forced everyone who cared about me, out of my life and I was now as low asI could possibly be.

I would describe my normal self as having a fiery personality. Born a Taurus, I can be stubborn, outspoken and opinionated. When something is bothering me, I have to talk about it then and there to get the situation resolved. I came up with all sorts of ways to make it a viable option for me to get a job, to get out of the house and try to lift the heavy depression however that meant having help from ‘him’. Again I was met with, ‘If you want to work then you must look after the house and the children at the same time’ which was not physically or financially possible. The rows were always unbearable to a point where Id have to leave the house in the car as he would follow me from room to room until I was grounded down to his way. I tried studying at home but again it was very difficult to get any time to myself to study. During the day, I had the children and once they were in bed I was simply not allowed to study, it was ‘his time’ where we would watch TV….

Towards the end of the relationship, I was very ill with migraines every few days where I couldn’t leave the bathroom floor, id vomit for hours and would be left on my own all day with the children who were just 2 & 3 years old. I had no friends left, my family hated him, I had stopped getting dressed and I was in the house 24/7 with my two young boys. I stuck it out as long as I could, as I couldn’t bare the thought of them being involved in a parental breakdown. I wanted to protect them However it was my son, my 3 year old, who made me walk away in the end.

My x had come home from work one day and literally hit the roof when I told him I had ‘mopped’ the floor instead of scrubbing it ‘by hand’ (sorry but are we not in the 21st Century!!!!) He screamed in my face in front of my children… again. Later, my eldest, who was just 3 at the time, came up to my bedroom where I was hiding, put his hand on my face and said ‘I’m sad mummy…’ I said ‘why are you sad sweetie?’ he said ‘I don’t want you to cry anymore. I want mummy to be happy…’ That destroyed me inside! Everything was happening right in front of them and children are not stupid! It was a light bulb moment. I realised my boys were not happy at all. I was very depressed, my x was not in the slightest bit interested in being a father and my eldest was very much aware of how unhappy their mummy was. I also didn’t want them to ever think that the way he treated me was in any way shape or form acceptable!

I immediately packed our things, which consisted of a couple of bags of clothes! And walked out of our home for good. He laughed as we left shouting ‘see you in a week’ whilst waving at the boys! …. (Yeah right… id rather eat my own toenails!) I hadn’t a penny to my name but I didn’t care. I called a very good friend of mine from the Isle of Man and she immediately put some money into my account, enough for me to fill the fridge. I called my dad who had a house nearby with my brother who practically popped the champagne when I said id left! His sigh of relief was very much apparent and it was heartbreaking to hear. He supported the boys and I until we were back on our feet and all my friends were there for me, waiting silently for when the time came that I needed them. I will be forever grateful to every one of them who stuck by me and helped the boys and I.

In time I moved back to my hometown in the Isle of Man. We had a fantastic summer in the garden with friends and family and slowly I became ‘myself’ again. My x let the boys down too many times and refused to support them in any way therefore he is no longer apart of their lives. His loss. My boys will never shed another tear over that man!

Another relationship was out of the question however they do say you always find love when you least expect it! The most wonderful man came into our lives that summer and I am now happily married. He is an amazing father to the boys and they adore him. I 100% stand by my decision to leave and one day I will explain to my children, minus the bad bits. The boys will ask about their biological father in the distant future, I’m sure, at which point I will simply give them his details and let them make their own minds up. I have never and will never say anything negative to them. His actions do the talking!

Comments

  • This has brought tears to my eyes and I am so happy that you got away for your and the boys! It is so difficult when children are involved, but you did the best thing possible by them and I’m sure they are much happier now.
    xx

  • rjacksonjoseph@gmail.com rjacksonjoseph@gmail.com says:

    The initial heartbreak this article brought as I read it quickly gave way to a high five for your having had the strength, even in what you may have thought was your weakest moment, to do the absolute best thing for you and your boys. Kudos to you for loving the three of you enough to know you deserved so much better than what you had.

  • Fiona Ward Fiona Ward says:

    This has made me cry – you are so brave and well done for getting yourself back into a good place. Wishing you so much luck in the future x

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