Before you start jumping to conclusions, let me explain.
I am not a virgin and I wasn’t when I got married. Not in the sense that I had never had sex before at least; I had with my now husband and maybe one or two test subjects before that. But it dawned on me the other day that, though I have indeed been having sex for quite some time now, I have never fully experienced the ‘real’ thing if you get my drift…
I’ve almost always used a condom (ugh, I hate that word). When I haven’t, we’ve used the (here’s another one) pull-out method. And that’s all. I’m not on any other kind of birth control and I’m not interested in kids just yet so we try to avoid any instance where kids might magically appear (by stork right?). So that means I’ve never felt what that final ‘burst’ feels like.
It doesn’t exactly bother me, but now I feel I’m building it up in my head! What if it’s the most amazing thing in the world and I’ve been doing it all wrong since the beginning? It’s not like I’ve run out of time and my life is coming to an end so really, there is nothing to worry about, but I just wonder. When the time to comes that I’m ready to have kids, will I be blown away and realise I had no idea what sex really feels like or will I not even notice the difference?
I have a feeling there will be a difference. For one thing, I’ve been told it’s a bit messier. Lovely. For another, I feel it will be a different connection. I know that we will be working towards a family and that it’s not just about us anymore. I think there is something special in that but also terrifying! There’s no going back really, just like when you do it for the first time. You can’t ever take your first time back and that’s why I feel like a virgin in some ways. I’m a virgin to the real thing and I have to think seriously about the consequences of taking that next step because, even though it’s a lot harder to get pregnant than ‘they’ let on (when you’re 16 and exploring your sexuality and freaking out that holding hands will lead to a baby), it can also happen on the very first time. Sex is not a science, no matter how much we try to figure it out; there’s never a guarantee with any of it.
So there you have it. The virgin wife, waiting to discover the real thing and wondering when the right time will be to take that next step. Maybe it’ll be next month, maybe next year but until then I’ll remain naive and enjoy my safe sex child-free (or that’s the plan). And when the day comes that we are ready to grow our family, I know I’ll be just as nervous as my very first time. Like a virgin.