I’ve been ‘heavy’ more than I’ve been thin.
Now, I’m not talking about pinching my skin and dramatically announcing, “Oooo, I am soooo fat!” I’m talking about true, unabashed obesity. Laying my cards out, I will be forthright and tell you that I am 5’9’’ and that I currently weigh 248 pounds.
I’m not proud of this- heaven knows. I loved my thin days. I loved when other women would tell me that I looked emaciated or anorexic. Love, love, loved it; sick as that is.
I am large for only one reason. I overeat… A lot. Oh, I’ve tried fooling myself into believing that this weight thing was due to medications, or thyroid problems. Perhaps it is genetic or because of socioeconomic issues? Well, I don’t believe myself any longer. I eat…A lot. And, often my intake is garbage food; sweets and chips, greasy burgers and pizza.
I often joke that the only time that I feel good about my body is when I am around heavier people. Not funny at all, of course. Nothing about this state of affairs is humorous. Obviously, I am unhealthy and obviously I am prone to the medical difficulties that an obese person can wind up with.
You might rightfully be thinking, “Alright, stop whining and put down the Fritos. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and loose the poundage.” THIS is wherein the problem lies, however- I’ve talked myself into believing that I absolutely cannot get thin again.
I might say that my layers are a protection against more guy-pain. I could say that eating is a comfort that I don’t receive from other sources. I will even go so far as to hypothesise that this is an addiction…No different than alcoholism.
Pretending that I am Freudian, I will take this one step further; I must be getting something out of being rotund.
Stuck. I am stuck.
Wait!! Stop!!!! Am I truly writing all this, believing all this, trying to convince another that I have zero control?
I CAN CHOOSE TO CHANGE!!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I am a fat woman,
that needs to put down the crappy food and loose weight and feel better about herself and buy cute clothes and stop wearing sweat pants and exercise and…
Here I go!!!!