“Oh my God, what’s wrong with you?” my friend Mother Hen shrieks when I’ve confessed to fancying James May.
I suppose it’s not an altogether unreasonable question. My taste in men has never been mainstream, think the closest I’ve ever got to your average pin-up is Michael Madsen, but that’s only because he reminds me a little of Elvis. Oh, and I’m not referring to his Thelma and Louise days – I drool over the slightly over weight, greasy haired, chewing-tobacco-spitting psycho in Kill Bill. On that Tarantino note, I can add that in Grease I fancied Kenickie and only came to develop an appreciation for Danny Zuko once Travolta had morphed into one of the killers in Pulp Fiction. Oh, and he donned a mullet too.
Yeah, I probably have issues. B bears a bit of a resemblance to Jason Statham, so in a way it’s quite strange that I am now with somebody my friends all agree is pretty damn hot. Still, I’m a weirdo, at least according to Mother Hen.
Given my supposedly strange taste in men (and I say “supposedly” because I can’t for the life of me understand why Captain Slow isn’t considered a heart throb), I thought I’d amuse myself by listing my top ten of girl crushes. Really, it’s the same thing there. What seems to be the general consensus and perceived as beauty or attractiveness just doesn’t always seem to do it for me.
Top Ten Sexy Chicks (According to Anna)
1. Patricia Arquette – she screamed her way into my heart some time during the eighties, chased by Freddie Krueger on Elm Street where she had some really bad freaking nightmares.
2. Laura Prepon – this dangerous lady first came to my attention only about a month ago, when I first discovered Orange is the New Black. Well, any 50s style chick with tattoos and secretary glasses is enough to capture my attention and keep it. Call me shallow.
3. Vicky Jeudy – also an OITNB inmate. She does in many ways conform to more of a mainstream ideal I suppose, but sod it, she’s so beautiful I can’t stop staring. Not a scrap of make-up and her hair a mess whilst she starts fights on screen. Stunning.
4. Imelda May – hm, I see a pattern emerging here. Another 50s rockabilly chick (sorry, it just does it for me), not quite as lovely as Prepon, but she can serenade me anyday.
5. Anouk Teeuwe – Dutch rock chick, and when I was about 17 I wanted to be her, when she angrily belted out ‘Nobody’s Wife’. I was Little Miss Goodie Two-Shoes and I suppose my inner rebel wanted to be just like her. But I can’t bloody sing anyway, so never mind.
6. Sofia Helin – ah, a Swede makes the list! She played the female detective with Aspergers in the Swedish-Danish crime series The Bridge. I think it’s her on screen persona I like, her quirky and literal (obviously), black-and-white personality.
7. Chelsea Handler – she had me from hello. Actually, she had me from the moment she told Russell Brand “the way you look at me makes me want to cover up my vagina”.
8. Melissa Etheridge – roared her way into my affections during her ‘Piece of My Heart’ duet with Joss Stone. I like rock chicks, I like strong women and I love a woman who can create a moment that even the presence of Joss Stone cannot spoil. Thumbs up.
9. Cat Power – although, that’s of course her stage name. Her real name is Chan Marshall and although I have loved her music from when I first discovered her, it was after watching the video for ‘Lived in Bars’ that I developed a huge girl crush on her. That, and her barefoot performance on Jools Holland around the same time.
10. Sandra Bullock – I know, I know, but I can’t not put her in here, she’s just too lovely.
Each one on this list has something that catches my attention. I can’t even put my finger on what it is. With Arquette I keep thinking it’s her mouth, but I’m not totally sure. Anyway, no need for analysis. I’ll bet you’re all still really quite concerned about me following the James May revelation, and my list of wonderful women might not be enough to save me.