Someone just told me that I used to be a better person. How do you respond to that? “You used to be a lot more fun to be around,” this someone said, and I said nothing. …Okay, that is not entirely true as I may or may not have called him an ass, but on the inside I went silent as those words sank in.
I used to be a better person.
I try to remember who I was a few years ago, which is making me realize quite a few things about myself. I used to be carefree, bubbly and happy – I used to genuinly love life and everything that happened to me – and I am starting to wonder what has changed since then. Back then everything would excite me and I would jump at every chance there was to experience something new. I am still all those things, but mostly when I am out and around people. My likeable personality has become my exterior rather than my interior. How did this happen? I can’t recall when it started to change or why it did, but I assume the answer must be somewhere in the past few years. I haven’t realized that the “real” me has become nothing but a costume that I wear when I go out.
Those words; that I used to be a better person, they really made me think. And they hurt. I have always considered myself a nice person, but how can I defend the fact that someone else has moved into this happy and life-loving shell that I like to think of as my body? Who is this person? When I think of me five years ago – I see a different person, and I can’t believe this hasn’t become obvious to me until now. There are many things about myself that I feel have improved with the years; I have learned to stand up for myself, speak my mind and don’t let everybody else walk all over me. However, I seem to have lost something in the process. I lost myself.
Have you ever found yourself in a place where you no longer recognize yourself? Where it suddenly becomes obvious that you have changed and you have no idea how to go back to who you were? I am there, apparently, with no clue as to how to proceed from here. I need a drastic change in my life and I need to find a way to bring back my old self without losing what I have learned. Being told by someone you love that you aren’t that likeable anymore and that you used to be a better person – that, if anything, is a slap in the face. The truth and I have never been that great of friends and I have made a habit out of believing whatever suits me better. This time, however, I cannot run from the obvious. I called someone an ass today for pointing out that I have changed. I want to take that back. That person isn’t the ass of this story, because the only ass here is me. I have become a sad and pitiful version of myself and for that there is no excuse. Is it too late to change? That is one of the questions lingering in my mind, but a far more important one is this: Is it possible?
I am deciding today that yes, it is possible. It has to be. These are my first five steps towards self re-discovery:
#1. Take 15 minutes every day to think about the person that I was when I was at my happiest. What did I like about her? What do I still like about her when I think of her?
#2. Count to 10 before reacting to something that makes me mad. Is it really worth getting upset about it? …This might prove to be easier said than done.
#3. Start paying attention to the small things around me again. I have become too self-centered.
#4. Write a quick message to all my friends to whom I haven’t spoken in a while – just to let them know that I think of them and miss them. I need to break down these walls to the outside world that I have somehow built up.
#5. Eat fruit. Fruit has always made me happy, so why not give it a go and see if an increased fruit intake could potentially make me a happier and better person? I am ready to try everything.
Yes, I am ready for a change. I miss the unconditional love I used to have for life and I miss going to sleep every day with the feeling of being the luckiest person alive. How did I lose that? For everyone out there who might find themselves in a similar position – I know how you feel. I would suggest that anyone who reads this takes a few minutes to think about the person they were a few years ago. Did you like that person? Are you still the same? If you have changed, think about whether or not you have changed for the better. I am starting my journey back to the person I want to be.