I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like I’m crazy and that I might break at any minute. I feel so unstable, like my head is full of water or it is a see-saw and it’s tipping left and right, never stopping or even slowing. BPD is a constant battle all the time and I feel as if there is darkness watching, lurking behind me ready to swallow me whole. No one understands that I feel so isolated and I wish I could explain it better. I try so hard to feel positive, or to seem positive but I feel like I’m lying to myself. Not many people know this, but in the past when I’ve been really stressed I would make myself sick. It wouldn’t make me feel better but it was the only way I could cope. A relax of control over an otherwise uncontrollable body.
I have been making progress by making good decisions and not acting like I did before, but a part of me will always want to destroy the progress I have made; I don’t know why, I wish I did. It’s like there are two sides to me; one that wants to be well and healthy, both psychically and mentally, but then another which wants to stay in the past and drag me down with it. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to beat the bad side and right now it seems so much easier to give in and just except it.
My anxiety is really bad and during this most recent episode I feel so tense all the time and feel as if everyone is looking at me and talking about me. I’m even losing faith in my friend’s, ones I have known for years and in reality, do trust. I hate myself so much for being this way. Nothing I do seems to help or make me feel better and even being happy or having a laugh never seems to last. All I seem to do is hurt those closes to me and they don’t understand why and all the time my head feels like it’s breaking into two. I don’t know what to do or say to people anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed forever.
There is nothing worse than people thinking you’re fine, well or that there is nothing wrong with you anymore just because you’re not in hospital. I am far from being fine or well or even feeling a little like myself. If only I could take this last year away start afresh, to feel myself again.