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Somewhere Down the Road…

A Friend of mine from way back Home and from years ago just tagged me a Song by Barry Manilow…

This Song never fails to sadden me…and I have always wondered if it was just because of the melancholic note in the melody or because the words just reminds me of the places I have always been, all the people I have not seen for years, the people who have forgotten me, the people I will never forget…and Myself who never cease to go deeper in her thoughts…

Did my Friend miss me? Is she feeling lonely right now. How is she… A lot has changed over the years…I barely remember her. To think she had been part of my journey in Nursing… A year or two I suppose …and then our path just never crossed again…It puzzles me how it came to that when we basically started  courses together and bonded every single day. Human nature? Yes we still see each other around the campus but we never stopped and bid our Hi’s or Hello’s. We simply just smiled at each other or waved but that is just about it.  What do you want me to say…Of course I had  friends with me whom I stayed close to and we stuck to each other up to now but there will always be people who you became friends with at one point in your Life then they are gone. Now thinking about it, they have all helped me in their own ways.. As I tried to recall them all from early school years to University, there were just too many and I am losing count. Do those people remember me too?

How about the streets we all used to walk through going to school. Those are good many years. Same road, same traffic lights and pedestrians. The Shops where I take my lunch from,  the friendly staff that caters my orders and the security guard that pulls the door open for me to come in. The whole scenario of me living a student life day by day. I can never take that back now or relive it. I can almost feel how the morning breeze felt like when crossing the road to school entrance. With my backpack  and some books tucked under my arm, I excitedly march to my classroom and sit with my friends to chat. Recess time and we would go to the canteen and spy on our crushes. Tests or exams were stressful and I cram. I remember the chair where I engraved my name and  I wonder where my notebooks are now. The school library, the grounds, the hallways. All those years. All the people and the places. Nothing looks the same now. I do not look the same nor do I feel and think the same. Should I feel sad? I know that this is part of a persons’ path to wherever he is bound to go but  I somehow feel this unfounded regret and  deep longing…WHY…  I can almost say I wish…but I do not know what to wish… Will all  just be in memory…but even memories tend to be forgotten…So how am I suppose to feel about it?

Love…What a controversial word. When I was a young woman, I wanted an ideal man. So of course I have this mental note of the what and how.  Tall, dark and handsome ? Yes. Sexy and Mysterious? Absolutely.  Jealous and Possessive? hmmm…a little bit of both.  Someone with power and influence who other men fears? Interesting. I can go on darker with my list and then you will realise that I was not the typical type. I have my Husband now and I couldn’t care less of his What and How…but the road I went through before finally saying I DO will remain dark and despicable.. Cheating. Paranoia. Calling sick at work. Cancelling shifts. Sleeping on floors. Sneaking out in the middle of the night.  Depression and obsession. Demanding and destructive. One particular Man haunts me. I will always remember Him. He embodied the list. My mind, emotions and body belonged to him…and I am afraid that chapter will always belong to him.

So I guess I am still sitting here thinking…I really do not know how to finish this article. I can tell you how I feel now though. I am tired…The sun is about to set and I just feel resigned. My neck and back muscles are aching. Physical inactivity and bad posture. Well, this happens today  but it has always been right here and right now. Tomorrow is another day though and then one day I will remember this day because I wrote this and I felt it….but I sure won’t remember yesterday. Probably because I did not do anything special yesterday or the other day. Lazy days off. Just another day tomorrow then? It has always just been yesterday, today and tomorrow. Here and There. The road ahead is long…I shall meet myself again…

Comments

  • Jileen, what a lovely piece! (And a lovely name, btw)
    At 58 years of age, I have many memories and losses and have had many loves. Tragic that I can’t remember all the names and faces that went with those times.
    “Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.” ~Saul Bellow

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