The first day at my new job, I was a bundle of anxiety and nerves. I was actually shaking a little and my mouth was really dry. I sat, for what seemed like forever, with my manager in the induction, filling in copious amounts of paperwork, whilst she told me a load of information (which went in one ear and out the other). It’s not that I didn’t want to listen, it was just so overwhelming that I ended up watching her mouth moving, with no sound coming out. After all the formalities were done, the hardest part came; being thrown in the deep end, which I fully expected. The tills are so different to what I’m used to and there are so many different products and procedures. My first day went quite quickly and by the time I got home, I felt like everything I had just learnt had flown out of my head.
The second day was a lot easier because I started to familiarise myself with the products. What I found the hardest was how I felt inside. I know I’m the newbie and it’s only been three days, but over yesterday and today I have tried to ‘fit’ in as it were, but I feel on the outside. The till staff all hang round one till and maybe it’s me being paranoid, but every time I go over to join in or just stand with them they disperse. The hardest part of feeling on the outside is my inner monologue is 10 times worse. I’m constantly feeling low, then I will feel ugly about myself, then I will judge myself or even get annoyed at myself. It’s like a constant stream of self-doubt and its really getting to me. The only way I would feel ok is if they treated me like I’m not on the outside
I know it’s early days, but it doesn’t stop how I feel at the moment and to be honest I have felt really depressed for the last couple of weeks, even before I started the new job. I just think I don’t know how to be happy anymore. My moods used to be all over the place but now there are no ups. Sure I can laugh and joke, but deep down I still feel empty and numb. I have done all the groups and the treatments, even college and now work, but I still have so many issues I have not addressed and don’t have any means to.
Being at work I have realised that my problems with being touched or having people physically close to me have gotten worse. I ended up snapping at this guy at work because he was standing so close to me we were touching arms and I just lost it shouting ‘Have you not heard of personal space? Stand back!’ I was shocked at myself that it even came out, but I got so frustrated and I think it’s rude; I don’t even know the guy and I can feel his breath on my neck! I think it might me an OCD thing, I don’t know, but if anyone touches me without warning, even family, it makes my skin crawl.
Well tomorrow is another day and a working one at that. Let’s just hope it’s better and that my mood lifts a bit, because I don’t know how much longer I can take feeling like this.