For over 20 years she was my go-to person. There was no problem she couldn’t solve, or at the very least, make less harsh and sharp in the forefront of my mind. There was no pain she couldn’t dull, no laughter she couldn’t join in on. There was no insult she couldn’t help me shake off, no lost love she couldn’t numb for me. She was my best friend.
At first she helped me survive horrible depressions, teaching me to self-medicate through the worst of times, times when no-one else was willing to help me or get me the help I needed. Eventually though, like all other things in life, there came a time to let go of her and walk on my own two feet. I didn’t let go. I clung to her like she was my life raft and she was happy to carry me around, letting life drift by me as she and I hung out together. I’d tell her all my problems and she’d whisper in my ear that it doesn’t really matter. Eventually nothing much besides her mattered and having her with me was my number one concern. After over two decades together I thought we’d be together until the end of time. Her beautiful green complexion and pungent odour as I inhaled her deep into my lungs was all I thought I truly needed.
My go-to person was weed. Marijuana. My best-friend was Mary-Jane. Then a few years ago our Prime Minister, Mr. Harper, imposed mandatory jail time for anyone caught growing more than five plants. Mom and pop growers slowly shut down and the hardened flourished. Mom and pop growers weren’t willing to take the risk anymore but the scarier crowds were, it was no different from the risks they were already taking. The market changed hands, the name of the game changed and I wasn’t willing to put my hard earned money into those kinds of pockets and even though I missed my friend dearly, it was time for us to go our separate ways.
It has been both easier and harder than I thought, letting go of my go-to person, Mary-Jane. Our separation has become a paradox of easy and excruciating. It’s easier to get up in the morning without the pot hangovers that I’d never realised I’d even had and it’s easier to remember things like where I put my glasses or my keys. I seldom walk into a room anymore and leave without getting what I came for and I don’t have to stop what I’m doing to go roll a joint and have a chat with her before carrying on with my daily routines. Leaving her behind has given me an abundance of time that I didn’t know I was missing. Sometimes it’s even too much time and for the first time in years and years I’ve found myself suffering from boredom. To my surprise there are actually more than enough hours in each day for me to get through my chores and errands, not that that means I actually get them done. It just means there’s enough time now, should I get my ass in gear and do them.
It’s excruciating to remember all that she helped me to forget, the things she helped me bury, pain that she helped me hide from. While I recognise that it’s time to face the demons in my closet and the monsters under my bed, sometimes I just don’t want to. Regardless of what I want though those demons are here and will haunt me endlessly until I battle each one once and for all and put those memories behind me, where they truly belong. Slowly I am, but I’m doing it alone and not just because I’ve left behind my darling Mary-Jane.
You see, it’s easier to remember things, to catch things people say and to pay attention to the comings and goings of others each and every day and in this new awakened state I’ve realised that many of my friends are not the friends I thought they were. I’ve caught onto lies and omissions that I should have sensed long ago, that I either didn’t see or chose to ignore until I forget about them. I’ve found knives in my back that have been there for years, only I didn’t feel them until recently. I didn’t even know they were there. I’ve quickly learned that I trusted many people whom I shouldn’t have, believed a lot of people who are liars and had faith in a lot of people who didn’t deserve a drop of my time.
It’s easy now to see the bad choices I’ve made and excruciating to deal with them.