I have no pretty analogy to apply to anxiety, because to me it’s not pretty, there is no nice way to say what feeling anxious feels like. To say that anxiety is like a ‘broken wing’ or ‘an over-sensitive alarm system’ for me doesn’t cover it, you can live with a broken wing and an over-sensitive alarm, it’s not over-sensitive if the threat to you is real. To me, anxiety is being crushed from the inside out, crushed from your own feelings and fears. When your breathing begins to quicken and the world around you spins, there are no words for that, the heightened senses, the tears falling. There is no earthly metaphor that can describe your world crumbling from the inside out and panic taking over.
I have lived with diagnosed depression and anxiety for just over two years but I have had it a lot longer than that. Does it get easier? No. That’s me being honest, an anxiety attack never gets easier, you just get better at dealing with it, does depression? No, you fight everyday to find good in the day and what you’re doing, your mood is constantly fighting against you and it takes everything you have to make sure that you ‘look on the bright side’. But the hardest thing of all this, is that no matter what you’re doing, or where you are, it’s a risk, the anxiety and darkness that you push to the back of your mind can surface at any moment, and you have to deal with it.
I have been lucky. I have friends who are always there when I need them and living with my boyfriend is a massive help, but it’s not a cure. I have tried being medicated and it worked for a little while, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on medication, to have to rely on a pill to make me happy. I cannot bear to be crushed from the inside out, but it still happens, and that is my life, and will be until I make them better.
What I want? I want world peace and the end of world hunger and disease, those things are not going to be accomplished in my lifetime, unless by some miracle, and for me to be cured from anxiety and depression that would be what it would take, a miracle. My biggest want, is strength, I want to be able to face the tears and the dark days with strength, and I want to be able to accept that this is me, and that I can be the best version of myself whilst battling this.