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Sexcapades – On First Name Terms Only Part Two

Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep, instead of counting sheep, I count the men that I have slept with. I find this a whole lot funnier than sheep, and I normally drift off to sleep on number twenty, so it is effective. It is also a constant reminder that, whilst I didn’t get married till I was thirty two. I was right to wait all that time for the perfect man. If I had married any of the previous man on my list, I would have surely been divorced, possibly miserable and maybe even a lesbian by now.

As I said in part one of this article, it was internet dating that got me to put pen to paper. But I also along the way uncovered some laughs that were deeply hidden. People often say that you only remember the bad times when you call upon your past. But writing this has shown me that even when things seemed endlessly tough, there was always comedy underneath. I am going to continue with my list because at man number thirteen, in a way of superstition, life got really rough for me. But I am determined to find those laughs and make it through to the end of my list smiling.

13: Rob (the second of the Robs.) I attracted this one in a local dive near to where I lived. I was still smarting from the abandonment of Rob number one, and Rob number two had some ties to his life. He was the boyfriend of the best friend of Rob number ones new girlfriend. I picked him up, took him home, and helped him cheat on this woman. It was a satisfaction to me that I got some revenge, but then when they broke up, albeit not over me, I did feel a little shame

14: Mike. Another friend of my brother in laws and whilst I can’t be sure of anything, the next day I was covered in mud and grass stains. Eugh!

15: Mitch. I actually really wanted Mitch’s best friend Jim, but Mitch was a surprising second choice. I had just moved into a new house and he helped me christen it. He was a definite ‘don’t judge a book by its cover,’ young man. It was a very pleasant coupling, if only a couple of times. Plus he had a huge bonus down his trousers. Result!

16: Mark (number 2) I actually really liked this chap, but he was so damaged from his previous relationship I couldn’t cope. One minute he seemed fine, the next he was drowning in woe and betrayal. The more time I spent with him, the more I was confused. I gave up, to save my fragile mind.

17: Martin. Martin lived at the end of my street and was a very young man. He was so tall and handsome that he could hold his own over his age, unless I had a conversation with him. Then it all went wrong and I realized I was far too old and corrupting for him. If I think about him now, it always ends with ‘Arrr, bless him’ and a sigh. He was a lovely boy, but boy was the operative word.

18: Mark (number 3) I found him in a nightclub, my Sister went mental. He wasn’t the best looking man in the world, but he was kind enough. Unfortunately, my sexually aggressive nature gave him a fright and he was unable to ……. perform shall we say. Pity because at that point I could off probably done with someone kind and gentle. But what the heart wants, the heart wants.

At this point I am going to have to refer back to number 2, my first sons Father. One fateful night I bumped into his brother. Now I have to paint a picture here so as not to seem to tawdry. Here was a man, my son’s uncle, that I had known half my life. I had grown into adulthood with him and pretty much knew him inside out. But on top of all that, he looked like Ben Affleck, was a policeman and a completely better version of his older brother. So off we went into the night arriving at my house kissing furiously. Then in a total turn around, we started to sober up and realize what we were doing and it simultaneously dawned on us we canoodling with a makeshift sibling. The apologies started, the eye contact ended and we parted very formally. It was quite a moment for me and although I secretly lusted after him for years. I shuddered every time I had a less than clean thought about him though and sometimes still do.

19: Mark (number 4) As I met my forth Mark, I was very impressionable. You know that relationship you have that you just can’t explain, well he was mine. He was younger than me and never got on my wave length intellectually or emotionally. However, the one saving grace was sex. This lanky, immature, drunken fool was an absolute addiction in the bedroom. I don’t why, but he turned me into a nymphomaniac. I came out of that six month relationship very scarred and confused. I decided to have a break.

My version of a break constituted to a man never getting past the first night. I never formed a bond, answered a phone call or even texted any man back for a year. Well nearly any man, there was two that kept on appearing that I couldn’t shake, but they will come later on in the list.

20: Kevin. Met him at work. I knew nothing about him. I still know nothing about him and can’t remember what he looks like. I am sure he was nice though

21: Jason. (Jason number 2) An old school friend that I had connected with on friends re-united. We met, had drinks, groped in the dark and then he left. I checked a few months after and found he was no longer on friends re-united. I hope he wasn’t avoiding me.

22: Luke. Now Luke worked at the garage that was around the corner from my house. We flirted and then one day after I had paid for my un-leaded petrol he suggested a drink. One thing lead to another and we started to have a strange affair. He would pop in after work and we would rumble around and then he would leave. Luke was 6ft 5 and built like an ark. He broke my solid pine bed and then suggested he should leave a toothbrush at my house. That was the moment for me to hastily retreat and fix my bed for a newcomer.

23: Un-named. I remember him. I know I ended up on a date because the woman in the local shop said he liked me and fixed us up. He didn’t break my bed, but clearly didnt do much else either because I can’t remember his name. I told him over the phone that it was a no go and he said I was a user. He was probably right.

24: Carl. My friend’s brother. It nearly broke up my friendship, but as one night stands go it was pretty memorable. Only for one reason. In the morning when we both bleary eyed and embarrassed. My cat jumped on to the toilet and did a wee. It was unbelievable.

25: Karl with a K. Now this Karl was like my nemesis. He worked with my Mother. For the most part I hated him. He was arrogant, rude and quite horrible most of the time. I mirrored him by being a real cow towards him. But once or twice a month for about 2 years on and off, one of us would call the other one and we would meet up for awful sex. In the end I met my Husband and Karl with a K got deleted from my phone. But in one last act of the dramatic he seduced and slept with my Mother. Honestly, shame on him, and her. Quite the Greek tragedy we were.

26: Andy. Andy was someone that I went on dates with sporadically. We liked each other, but certainly better friends than lovers. It took about 4 years overall for Andy and I to end up in the sack and when we did it exactly like our dates. It was comfortable and friendly, but not going to break any records.

27: John. John was Rob’s (number 2) brother. He was portly and ginger. Not really my type. But I strangely really liked this man. He had a great sense of humor and brilliant comedy timing. He was clever and altogether quite sweet. It wasn’t meant to be because obviously I had slept with his brother, still there was a real liking there. He pointed me in to the direction of the person that I wanted to be with.

So, I have had twenty seven tries at meeting Mr. Right. This is my number of loves and humps before I walked straight into my husband. In keeping with the theme I am going to list him in his rightful place as last, but certainly not least, on my list.

28: Pete. Pete came into my life like a breath of fresh air. He was funny, kind, caring and mostly unlike anyone I had ever known. We were working together and like a schoolgirl I developed a crush on him which I held onto for a couple of weeks. When we finally got together it was a catalogue of errors, one being my Mother finding him naked on my couch when she ‘popped’ in one morning. But we stumbled on into what I would call my first REAL relationship. This relationship was valued and developed at a leisurely pace. We realized that we had a lot in common and a mutual respect for each other.

It sounds boring, but it wasn’t. It was like being born again and everything and everyone from the murky list above just slipped away. I wasn’t easy because I had a truck load of baggage, but eventually things fell right into place and we married and had a little boy. We take our relationship one step at a time and work through any problems we have. The bedroom Olympics aren’t as comical as my previous 27 attempts, but they are 100% meant to be. He is supposed to be exactly where he is and so am I.

To refer back to my quote. In the earlier part of our relationship I let Pete go three times and each time he came right back with no hesitation. I knew that my quote would see me through the waters of romance and find that man who would always come back and it really did.

So yes I guess thinking about my past is comical, but it is also part of my present. The thing is, if I hadn’t have had all these men in my life. I don’t think I would be so thankful for what I have right now. I went on an eighteen year crash course of who not to date and I passed because I have the best husband for me. I also have three lovely kids and a very comely dog.

However, I will never let him go again. I’ve tested that theory enough and I am pretty sure he was mine in the first place. But no, I am never letting him go again, just in case ……….

Love Keels


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