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Sexcapades – On First Name Terms Only Part One

There is an old quote that offers explanation to love and commitment problems in just two sentences. Over the years the quote has regenerated from person to person in a sort of Chinese whispers way. One day purely by chance (and my addiction to American teen soaps) it landed at my front door. Since that day I have used it in all walks of life. If I have argued with someone and they have not accepted my apology, or if I have wanted something badly and not had the money, my quote is the one stop answer for all of life’s little niggles. The most interesting way to use it is in a romantic situation. I have done so, OFTEN, and it has never let me down. So, I will share it with you now …..

If you want something very, very badly, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.

Recently I was shocked to discover that on average 9 million people were signed up to online dating in the UK. That is 1 in 6 people. Which means that two people in a group of twelve can’t get it together and have a smooch at the end of a night out followed by a few dates. I find it hard to believe, but I have been off the dating scene for about 10 years after I picked up my own minion (my husband.) But still, surely this can’t be so. I have seen my son trail a handful of girls through our lounge. Though I have only ever seen them that once, so maybe he is stock-piling them in his room in case he ends in being that sixth person.

I also thought it was also so sad and cold. Like, instead of a bond between two people growing organically (I am not a hippy or anything, it’s just a great word.) It’s manufactured from behind your computer screen. But then I wondered about my own relationships history and suddenly thought an internet search before a date would have been beneficial to me for all those years. Certainly I would have steered clear of more than one, if I’d had a heads up on their awfulness.

The more I thought about my own shenanigans with men, the more I started to laugh. There has been so many over the years and they have presented in lots of different shapes and forms. It came to me that I should collaborate them and celebrate my deeds on paper. So, I am writing this as a tribute to all those men and boys that have fell for my questionable charm. Oh and also as a reminder to me that being married and of the market is a wonderful state to live in.

For those of you who are aware of the film ‘Four Weddings and A Funeral.’ I am going to approach this in a Andie McDowall sort of way. For those of you that aren’t aware of the film, this basically means I am going to list these men and comment as I go along. So here goes…….

1: Andrew, I was 15 and he was my boyfriend for a year. Andrew was honestly beautiful. I could have and often did, just stare at him all day long. He was sporty and bright and actually the boy of young girls dreams. He was my first, and it was exactly how it should be. A lot of fumbling and some painful awkward moments. I will never forget him, because he is on Facebook as a friend of a friend. He won’t add me though. He probably knows I would still stare at him.

2: Jason, Child number ones Father. I was 16 and half when I stumbled on to him. Sex was a little more grown up, though I still had no idea what I was doing. We stayed together for 3 years and for most part fought like a pair of rabid dogs. We do have a lovely son though. I can’t say I was prepared to have Jason in my life permanently but unfortunately I didn’t have more choice after we created our shiny new baby. I think I loved him on a very young inexperienced level. However, in hindsight I wish I would have gone for his brother instead, (More about THAT later.)

3: Craig, my best friend. Craig lived opposite me in a cul de sac and we were best friends for years. He was my age and a real cutie. When we got to sixteen and hormones began flying we developed other interests than friendship and moved forward. The exciting part of my humps with Craig is that they were elicit. I was Jason’s girlfriend and Craig was MY bit on the side. I know it is terribly slutty, but I was only seventeen. You will be pleased to hear that there was no crossover when my son was conceived, thank god. I could have been in real trouble then.

4: M***in. Ok this is child number twos Father. I can’t name him because he hates me and I am already banned from the street where he lives (it was not my fault, honest.) He was my first love, infatuation, and obsession, whatever you want to call it. I was CONSUMED by this man and I will be honest now, I have absolutely no idea why. We were together 6 years on and off and he cheated on me with just about anything that walked. The funny thing is, I didn’t know until we had broken up for good and when I found out, I really didn’t care, so we all walked away relatively unscathed from a big mess. They say you will always love your first love, but I disagree. I am really not keen on him at all now, and he reciprocates generously. But we had fun and he did make my heart ache. I’m still banned from his road though.

Ok, by now I had discovered alcohol and the allure of the ‘one night stand.’ I am not exactly an average female when it comes to one night stands and have what most have called a male mentality. I have tried my best to remember first names and the order they came in just for posterity. But faces? Well I couldn’t pick half of them out of a line up to be honest. Just bear with me and we will see how it goes.

5: Nicky. I worked with him, it was a Christmas party. He walked me home whilst I was wearing one shoe. I had lost my bag and when describing it to him, I said it was oriental in design, a lot like he was. He wasn’t overly impressed but stuck around. We did the deed and then I showed him to the door. He said he had a girlfriend. I said congratulations.

6: Mark (one of several Marks, it seems to be my name of choice.) I knew him from school. He was funny. He had a BMW on finance. He had two children, like me, and an ex-girlfriend also. He lasted around six weeks before he went back to her and then promptly had his BMW re-possessed.

7: Garry. I knew him from work also. He was quite possibly the worst sex I had ever had. So much so that even in my drunken stupor, I announced ‘This is crap, can you go home?’ He never looked at me at work again, and on the odd occasion when he passed me on the stairs it was like pistols at dawn.

8: Danny. Danny’s Mum lived next door but one to me and he was hotter than hot. The typical bad boy, he was always in trouble and carried around that look of ‘who cares?’ that was just fabulous. He was a nightmare of a boyfriend. I could never say what was going to happen day to day, but he was so raw that it didn’t matter. One time on my dining room table……… never mind but you can possibly imagine. He eventually had to stop because it was hazardous to my health to stay with him. Sometimes I will see a picture of him now on social media and he still looks the same, all rugged and pumped up. He was an adventure that always makes me smile and terrifies me in equal measure.

9: Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob. Probably my second grown up love. He was great but had one flaw. He really didn’t like me that much. We saw each other for a year and I knew I could trust him. He was sensible, cared about my kids, he had a good job and was pretty grounded. But for the most part, I couldn’t help but notice that he looked at me as a project. You know like ‘I will settle this woman down and make her decent.’ It didn’t work needless to say, and one Wednesday night he borrowed my car and drove himself back to his mother’s house. I got the car back by the way.

10: Dave. I have no idea how this booty call happened. But I was suddenly on my dining room floor with a lad and his huge Willy. The next day was full of shudders and shame.

11: Jockey. A friend of my brother in laws. I had never met him before and we had one night of sexting until he got in his car and drove 200 miles to get in my bed. Yes, it really happened, I am not lying. He left the next day and then next time I saw him at a wedding, he called me a slut. It was a well thought out insult, so I smiled and walked away.

12: NEIL HOLMES. He is in capitals because he totally deserves to be. Another booty call, but a sober one. This man rocked it from a great height. I dined out on this one night stand for about six months. If you ever read this Neil, I salute you, you were amazing. When he left that night, he leaned over his car and said simply ‘Let’s do lunch.’ I knew I would never see him again and it was honestly the best one liner I had ever had.

So I am just under half way through now, but thought it was fitting to end this piece on NEIL HOLMES just because he was divine. I don’t know if it seems strange that I can list these men as though they are part of sexual CV. But I am feeling quite proud of myself for remembering their names at the moment. Putting it in to context with the whole online dating phenomenon, I guess I would have quite a profile on E Harmony wouldn’t I?

I don’t think that any of these men damaged me at all. I always think of them as experiences that lead me into eventually having a happy marriage and being able to appreciate my Husband for the God that he is. I said earlier that online dating seemed cold and while I am listing and describing with a cold undertone, I don’t feel really like that. What I am getting from this is some warm smiles and hilarious memories. I have certainly stuck by my mantra so far and let them all go. None of them returned, so they were certainly not meant to be. However, I am about to enter the unhinged years with some of the next list to come, so we will see how I feel at the end of that, wont we?…..TBC
Love Keels xx


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