Hey guys, this is a bit of a weird post and I have no idea where it’s going but hey ho… basically, at 22 years old, is it acceptable to have a semi-life crisis? If that makes sense, I don’t know if it’s normal at this age to find it really difficult to find yourself and where you want to go and what you want to do in your life.
Obviously as a young adult I am changing and developing and still learning new things everyday (I definitely sound like I’m explaining puberty to you lot but I can confirm that I am over puberty and I am an adult, haha!) I don’t know, I just guess I feel a little lost about how I am as a person, I’ve felt like this for a few weeks and I’m at that weird stage in my life where I’m moving out and things are getting serious. I even got a letter the other week saying that I am officially paying into my pension fund, jeez. I just feel really uncomfortable. I personally feel that I’m still young at heart and whatever but society and my age are telling me to grow up, which admittedly I’m excited for but it’s just strange.
My life at the moment is work, career prospects, cactus buying, getting excited over duvet covers and buying irons, kettles and toasters and whatever else and setting up savings accounts and insurances and stuff; take me back two years ago and I was at university studying and partying and wondering how I’m going to afford pre-drinks to go to a rave with Skrillex on my little job at Morrisons, not caring about calories or healthy eating and consuming god knows how much Dominos on my one day a week job. I just wish there was some transition between ‘young carefree adult’ and ‘responsible adult’, but there’s not, at least I don’t feel there is anyway. Maybe I’m too young or not old enough within myself to be like this at this age? I don’t know, I guess I’ve never really had the time to go and find myself and learn about me and what I like and what I don’t like and how to deal with different situations.
I mean I completed my GCSE’s and worked so hard with them, I then went straight onto A-Levels and did really well, then a few months after I got my results I started university and finally, the same week I graduated I started the job I am currently at and thats me now. I know a lot of people went on gap years and things like that and I wish I did or maybe I still could now, but a few years too late. I genuinely wish that I didn’t rush uni, well I didn’t but I started straight after sixth form and I know now if I could go back and change that I would. I would have taken a year out, worked and gotten myself some money and then done what I wanted to do. Realistically I don’t feel at that time in my life I was mature enough for uni, I should have waited and I know now I would have done a different subject and went to a different uni and it would have shaped how I am today and I’d be totally different.
Even now its 5pm and I’m sitting on my bed, caught in the rut of should I have a Netflix marathon or should I be productive and clean and make a healthy dinner? I’m debating whether to go out or have a nice night in and save my money which I’d spend on wine on something a little more worthwhile. I’m going to stay in. I just feel that my mind is in a constant 50:50, two-way thinking ‘thingy’. I’d like to either be a young carefree adult or a responsible adult and not in-between. I’m at that age now where some of the things I am doing I am regretting and I guess thats part of life, but just so many regrets and I find it difficult to pick myself up from these and change things, not silly things but letting go of people I shouldn’t have and arguing stupidly with family when really now is the time when I should value them more than anything. I’m trying my hardest to do what makes me happy but I don’t know what does make me happy anymore. 10 years ago I was halfway through year seven at school, which was crazy, I feel like that was yesterday, in 10 years time I will be 32 and am hoping to be married by then (a lot of sympathy goes to the poor guy!) and hopefully having started a little family of my own. HOW THE HELL? So what am I going to think when I am in that phase of my life and how I am now, will I be proud or frustrated?
How am I supposed to feel and be like now, this very day? Should I feel confused like I am? Should I want things I can’t have? Should I appreciate things I’ve got a little more? Shall I accept my flaws and myself for who I am or should I change them? Should I trust people and allow myself to love or loathe or should I be all guards up and protect myself?
To think some people my age and people I went to school and grew up with are married, some are having children, some have even had more than one child, some are settled in houses with their partners. My big decision right now is what colour to paint my nails, ah life… anyway, I’m sure, at least I hope I’m sure, that I’m not the only person my age who feels like this. Let me know and I’m sure we’ll all find ourselves one day and be happy. I’m not enjoying being 22.