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Selfie, selfie in my feed

Selfies.

They used to be something only loud teenage girls took in shopping centres with their Starbucks cup in one hand and a duck face on their lips. But practically everyone is in on the selfie game now from every single type of celebrity – the reality TV star living on borrowed fame to actors on the red carpet at the Oscars having to be in front of yet another camera – to the president of the United States of America. To further the madness, “selfie” is now a real word – it’s in the dictionary.

But when all is said and done, they are the most pointless thing to talk about. They are just utterly boring – and that makes me an even bigger idiot because I have not only taken selfies before, but now I’m writing an article on it. Believe me, the hypocrisy/irony is not lost on me.

BUT selfies bother me and it’s not for the reason you might think. I used to hate them because I thought it was a shallow activity for shallow people who needed attention for a mixture of reasons that could include low self-esteem, narcissism and a bloated sense of self or because they were genuinely “feeling themselves” and wanted to show it. My reaction to each and every one of these types of selfies showing up in my newsfeed was “who gives a fuck?”. Really, honestly, who gives a fuck? Because I definitely don’t and I’m willing to wager that no one else in your friends or followers lists truly does either except for family and partners.

Now don’t get me wrong, if you are suffering from low self-esteem it sucks – we’ve all been there. If you’re feeling confident then great, no really – that’s awesome! There should be more positivity in the world in general (again, the irony isn’t lost on me – I’m aware I’m a cynical, miserable bastard) but I don’t need to see your selfies in my newsfeed and neither does anyone else. If you’re selfie is in my newsfeed because you’re a throwing your fishing line into the lake of social media hoping a compliment will bite then honestly you can just fuck off. Right now. I’ve no time for you. But (for the most part) I got over this and accepted that, unfortunately, selfies are the norm now (even I post the occasional one) and they aren’t going away any time soon. So I got over all the above. Now I simply hit the unfollow or unfriend or hide button and move on.

But there’s one thing that still bugs the crap out of me about selfies and that’s eye contact. Some people get this right and look into the lens. These photos are much more engaging – the people viewing the photo feel much more engaged with it. I actually don’t mind seeing these kinds of selfies every now and again because they are INVITING to look at. Example: Picture this – happy person, big cheesy smile, Disneyworld in the background and the eyes of the subject are looking at the lens – at you. You feel like you are part of the photo in some way and that the person in it wants you to see the experience they were having at the time and share it with you. This is a selfie where the subject is in the moment and having a great time. Now picture this – happy person, big cheesy smile, Disneyworld in the background and the eyes of the subject are looking at themselves on their phone/camera screen as they take the photo. Not so inviting now is it?

I HATE these types of selfies. There’s a certain celebrity who is famous for taking this type of selfie (and various other narcissistic endeavours). I don’t want to use her real name because I’ve done it in a previous article, I hate having to talk about her and I like to pretend she doesn’t exist. But her family often replace the letter ‘C’ in words with a ‘K’ so I’ll just call her Kunt.

Now Kunt takes these types of selfies (because she’s a self-absorbed, conceited bell-end) and because the majority of people who aspire to be like her have more teeth than brain cells collectively, they mimic her behaviour. This has bred an endless stream of selfies of people staring at themselves taking a photo of themselves. I don’t get it, what’s so appealing about that? Why do these people think that a sharing a picture of themselves looking at their own reflection, no matter how much their eyebrows are “on fleek” (whatever the fuck that means), is a good look? Are these people really that shallow and vain that they can’t tear their eyes away from themselves for the fraction of a second it takes to take a picture of themselves to plaster all over social media?

I’m fed up with writing about selfies already, it’s fucking pointless, but I just had to get it out of me. I guess the take-away from this article is: If you’re going to take a selfie, at least look at the fucking camera. No one wants to see a picture of you looking at yourself.

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