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Saying goodbye but not wanting to leave

Sometimes the heart and brain don’t have the best conversations; the brain purely logical but the heart so full of hope and emotions. A battle raging on within your body enough to drive you insane when the decision seems so clear, standing right in front of you; an open door but you cannot bring yourself to leave. Your mind tells you that there is a million reasons to leave, to give them up and run for the hills but your heart has you chained down, not wanting to leave, tugging you back time and time again; one step forward, two steps back.

“I don’t know how you say good-bye to whom and what you love. I don’t know a painless way to do it, don’t know the words to capture a heart so full and a longing so intense.” –Laura Wiess, How It Ends.

Love is something that can consume you completely. Love can make you think irrationally, sending you back to happier, childish times when you were full of joy and hope, seeing only the best in life. Love can lift you up, way above the clouds seeing the world in a whole new way, so high up that you cannot be touched and harmed.  But what if the person you have chosen to be with, that makes your heart sing, causes your mind to think differently, causes you to question what they do, who they are and in turn who you are with them?

You’re heart will always want what it wants but is it always good for you, is it always right for you? Wrapped up, burning with the love fever it can be hard to think clearly to realise that you are still yourself, still an individual and have to look after yourself. The pain to walk away from someone you love is crippling, there is no doubt in that, but being able to hold your head up high and do something just for yourself –something right- there can be no better feeling later down the line.

No one wants to live a life with regrets, to wonder what their life could have been if they made a different choice, wondering if they had listened to their worries, their fears and doubts would their life be better. Your mind will tell you to be local, think it all through, making pros and cons time and time again trying to sort out, trying to win the battle that rages within you; logic versus emotion.

You argue-con but you always make up and they say sorry-pro.

They make you doubt who you are-con but they challenge you to be someone better-pro

They forgot your birthday-con but they buy you little things every time they have money-pro

Time and time again, the mind will come up with a con, valid, clear, strong and true but a simple whisper from your heart and it’s all forgotten. A kiss from them, a smile or even a loving glance can cast away all the worries to think about another day. Strength is important, finding that inner strength you once had when alone; to know that you are doing this for yourself and that it is the right thing to do.

All relationships go up and down throughout their time but some can be a little more than just a rocky time; screaming at the top of your lungs in your rollercoaster relationship. When the future you envisaged together slowly becomes more and more clouded, time drags along and you just don’t want to commit completely yet you cannot imagine your life without them. Your heart will tell you to hold out hope, that perhaps things will change, perhaps they will change for the better and then you can have everything –When life gives you lemons make lemonade. However, things can only change if you make it, you have to physically change something or life will just carry on as it always has. Your mind knows the truth your partner will not change simply because you ask them to, they have to make that choice, depending on if they want to change or not –Nothing is just a click of the fingers away.

Strength, trust and courage and you will find that door coming closer to you each day as your mind slowly wins the war. Do not feel heartless, cold and callus to walk away from your partner –sometimes in life it pays to be selfish- sometimes you just need to look after yourself if no one else will. Take a breath and focus on the future you want for yourself can you see it with your partner beside you without a shadow of doubt, without needing to change every aspect of your life just to suit being with them.

You know them, you know their heart, you know every little thing about them and know that they would never do anything to harm you but what if being with them is harming you, keeping you away from the life you should have. No relationship is perfect, but when the cons outweigh the pros it’s time to think about taking that leap. Simple things can turn your view, can change your mind; your heart will say they are perfect, can do no wrong but when the bed grows cold, when their out all night, when your cheeks become stained with tears  that they just didn’t see, you know your heart is in denial and your mind sings the truth.

Now it comes to taking the plunge and walking away, starting a new life but still knowing that you love your old one with them. Saying goodbye to anyone loved or not, is never an easy thing to do; emotions run high, if not within yourself within the other person. There are so many ways to finally end a relationship all depending upon whom you are and who your partner is. Simply leaving a letter if you know that it will be much to raw for either of you to bare, or if there is the possibility that your mind could be swayed by the yank of your heart. Of course face to face is always best when it comes to big decision in your life.  Emotion will linger within your every word, especially if there are still feelings between the pair of your but if you have come this far you know it is the best decision –heartbreaking but the best decision.

It may take you a little while to recover –only having come alive when they were around- now standing upon your own feet, by yourself when your life had been totally surrounded, blended and focused upon your partner. You just have to keep on focused that it is your choice and you chose this path for a better life, a life that suits your future ambition and desires. Do not be fooled into thinking that as soon as you say that fatal goodbye that all the emotions, the time you two have shared together will just disappear –you will have to live through it, but given time it will fade. You never know if your paths will meet again and things could be different –if timing was the only issue.

Do you let your heart have what it wants or do you let your mind make the logical choice and change your life? The battle that rages on in your body fighting over your emotions whether to step through that open door, knowing that it is the best thing you can do but still feeling the tug of your heart pulling you back time and time again. No one ever wants to say goodbye, to feel hurt and raw but sometimes it’s the best option for you personally.

Comments

  • Loved this Anastasia! I recall hurting when I left a guy that I didn’t even particularly care for! (That tells me that I’m a man-a-holic, I suppose.) Thought of this song while I was reading…
    “The problem is all inside your head” she said to me
    “The answer is easy if you take it logically
    I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free
    There must be fifty ways to leave your lover” ~ Paul Simon

  • Lina CB Lina CB says:

    This is something I’ve been wanting to let out but haven’t found the right words so thank you so much, Anastasia.

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