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Remember the real me

I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I wish you’d just listen when I say that the bad, the negative wasn’t really me.

I had a thousand screaming voices telling me to go away. I had a hundred whispers telling me I was nothing and should not be here.

I felt the world isolating me further and further to the point where I couldn’t know my own mind.

I put pressure on you to save the day but I didn’t mean to. I put pressure on you to be stronger than a superman, but I didn’t mean to.

Inside of me I was crying out saying ‘this  isn’t me’ but I was talking into a void. I tried to find answers, only to be ushered away with a different reason each time.

I hurt the person behind the blue eyes, but I didn’t mean to. I know you’ve been hurt before, so it was never intentional. I was frightened and lonely hearing voices I could not recognise.

But I felt safe with you. I felt safe with you.

Please don’t identify me with the label of a medical condition. Please perceive me for who I really am. The girl who took the calls at 4am, the girl who used to call just to check you were safe. The girl who cried when you hurt, and tried to push you to be healthy.  The girl who got excited at the thought of your birthday and spent a fortune in a hope to see you smile.

Remember those late night drives, those day time adventures. Remember how you pushed me out my comfort zone to the point I even tried out rides. Remember those pink flowers? Please, remember those pink flowers.

Those keyrings, that slinky, the little miniature car… The small things I’d get just to make your day. So when you think of me, think of the good. Remember the happiness.

Please do not resent me for an illness I was not familiar with. Please do not forget the happy, the love or the care. My loyalty resides and when you’re ready to talk, I will be there.

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