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Questions…Questions…Questions

There’s a few things I didn’t consider when I stepped into my first relationship, the relationship I so wanted and desired, I happened to forget some crucial changes like; ‘that’s another birthday present I have to purchase on top of my already five’, or, ‘I have to go out my way to see him on days where I’m off work’ or how could I forget the thought ‘I’ll have to conduct myself in a way that his parents approves’. I could go through a whole bunch of thoughts I happened to miss before stepping into a relationship, and now, being eight months in, all these thoughts come crashing into my brain.

I never really knew what to expect when I’d eventually go through my first relationship, but I anticipated it so much that I didn’t really care – to me, just having a boyfriend was all I wanted to be honest. Almost like my life would be complete with a male beside me. And…considering that now, that sucks how I almost felt so unwanted and irrelevant without a partner. However, being 19 – trust me ladies, when I was in secondary school and college, being taken by the opposite sex (or same sex) was a big deal. My generation made such a huge deal of having a partner that if you didn’t have one like myself, it ate away at you day by day until you were taken. Every break you would be surrounded by girls and guys who were together or playing ‘kiss chase’.

But please don’t be mistaken, if you were a single female at my day and age, and you wanted a boyfriend and a guy who you didn’t find rather attractive came up to you, your standards never seemed to slip. In a sense, we all had pride and confidence when it came to people coming up to us who, to us wasn’t our cup of tea, but yet we craved a relationship so much.

I waited (and literally) waited, about three to four years to have a boyfriend, and bare in mind I’m considering the fact that girls should be thinking about having a boyfriend around the age of 16, only because that’s the time when we’re all maturing and conscious of our actions (but that’s my opinion). And yes, there were times when I gave up of thinking about having a boyfriend or being in a relationship, because I truly believed it wasn’t going to happen or it just wasn’t for me. Especially with my best-friend being in a 3 and a half relationship, I kind of just thought…‘Sarah, I don’t think this will happen.’ I tried not to get myself down as well, no matter how much my two best friends had gotten together and were in a relationship 24/7 in my face.

I won’t lie though, there were days I was down, days I felt alone and felt really ugly, however, I’d pick myself up from the ground and keep going about my life trying to get stronger day by day. Then obviously I met this guy and you all know the rest (that’s for another article) and now I’m taken!

But here I am, sitting on my bed thinking, being in a relationship isn’t as easy as I pictured it in my head, if you both work you have to find the same day when you’re off to meet each other, which means not great sleep as you’re sacrificing your sleep to wake up early to meet him. Or, when you go through a disagreement about the smallest of things, but for some reason, it’s blown way out of proportion. Ooo, how could I forget trying to not get jealous of previous exes or close ‘girl’ friends, that he had before your relationship.
Of course there’s highs in relationships too, that escapism from my family when it gets too heated is perfectly found within spending time with my boyfriend, but damn, it isn’t all roses and daises. Things like will his mother approve of me, floats into my mind far too often, will his friends think I’m good for him? Because we all know the effects ‘the friends’ opinions have on your own partner. All of those questions get thrown into my mind, and I’m not having second thoughts with my partner, not at all! However, I do use my brain a lot more now, I compose myself in a certain way whenever I’m meeting his mum, I turn into a shy mouse whenever I meet one of his friends and I try to be positive when he’s pissed me off.

There’s a moral to this article, I promise there is…even though it’s full of a lot of stream of consciousness, but I guess an epiphany hit me and I just realised how challenging and exasperating relationships can be. Like when do you know you’re in love? Is there a time limit when it’s right to say those three special words, ‘I love you’? Can you ever say those words too early…or too late? Too many questions.

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