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‘Pizza face’

“Look at the fucking state of me.”

“Do you not realize how embarrassing this is.”

“Oh watch out, dirty face is coming.”

“I can’t leave the house looking like this.”

“I wish people with good skin knew how lucky they are.”

“This is bullshit. I’m 20 years old and I look like a child.”

“Pizza face.”

“I apologize for my face.”

All of the above are genuine statements that I have made about the skin on my face.

Since I hit puberty, I have never been blessed with nice skin. From a young age I had spots and zits all around my face that made me look like I never washed and had no care regime when it came to my skin. At that time, people around me were also experiencing the same issues – so I guess I didn’t really mind. Unfortunately, as the years went on and as I continued into my teen years, everyone’s skin began to clear up. Girls would become flawless and makeup became a daily routine. Of course, I wanted to join in with my friends when they applied makeup and tried to improve themselves. But I could never keep up. Why? Because my skin NEVER cleared.

I now sit here, at 20 years old, still suffering from bad skin. Over the years I have tried so hard to clear it up. I visited the doctors on numerous occasions and have been placed on so many medications I can’t even keep track. One of which was given the nickname ‘horse tablets’ in my house because they were so big that they had to be cut up into two halves because they couldn’t physically go down my throat. I have also had my contraceptive pill changed three times in an attempt to clear up my skin when it began to spread onto my upper back and chest area. At one point, I was unable to buy tops with open backs and would always accessorize with a scarf to cover over my chest and cleavage area (which was a shame because puberty also brought along a nice pair of boobs).

Over the years, NOTHING has worked. I have days when it gets better and I only have one or two little spots on my face that I can easily hide with makeup. Other days, like today, when I am under a mountain of stress and pressure due to university work, my skin looks like a ‘pizza’. This is a personal word that I have decided best describes my skin. Lumpy, uneven, red, and blotchy. I have my days when I couldn’t care less about my skin – it is what it is. There is clearly not much I can do about it so I’m going to learn to love it, but then I have days like today and recently. I’ve had them a lot.

I have recently gotten into a relationship and he came to stay with me for 10 days (due to him living down in Kent while I’m up in Newcastle). I remember when we were texting and talking over the phone about our plans for the time he was going to be here. And I also remember expressing how nervous I was about him seeing me without makeup. Obviously, his reaction was like most respectable guys’… “don’t even worry about it, you’ll be beautiful either way.” And he had no idea how much I appreciated that, but, nevertheless, I was SHITTING MYSELF. The time came and I did spend a long time in front of him without makeup. And he did tell me that I was beautiful. But he also saw me for what I really am which, unfortunately, is a young woman still trying to get over her teenage acne.

Am I ever going to be able to get rid of my spots? I wish I knew. I may have them until I’m 80, or I might wake up next week with flawless skin. Either way, I have no choice but to go with the flow. I am going to attach two sets of pictures of myself in this article – one in my natural state without makeup, and one after I have completed my ‘daily’ makeup routine. It’s taking a lot of guts for me to do this because me in my natural state tends to disgust me, but I want to send a message out to all the other writers and readers of this magazine…

DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT YOUR BAD SKIN.

I have spent 20 years of my life trying to do everything in my power to change my skin. I have taken drastic measures to try and look like the ‘stereotypical woman’ of the 21st century and I am now saying that I AM DONE. I’m going to rock these spots from now on. I’m going to laugh at myself and make other people laugh too. I’m going to continue calling myself ‘pizza face’ because it’s funny! On my wedding day, I’m probably going to point at one of my spots and it can count as my ‘something new’.

I NO LONGER CARE. My family thinks I’m beautiful. My boyfriend thinks I’m beautiful. My friends think I’m beautiful. And I know I’m beautiful.

…..Bad skin and all.

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My skin without makeup is disgusting in my eyes.

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This is how I leave the house every day – attempting to cover over my bad skin.

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