I have compiled a list of people that you will most definitely encounter when you make the brave decision to go out and enter a room with hundreds of strangers who are extremely intoxicated. In some cases some of these people may possibly be yourself. I am sure I have been some of these people on various occasions.
1 Crying girl in the toilet.
Girls will have to endure this way too much, if you’re a guy and experiencing this on a regular basis, then you are probably the cause and get the fuck out of the girls toilets.
She will normally have one fake eyelash hanging off and be slumped sitting on the sink. A lot of the time it seems her friends will have abandoned ship and just left her to her own devices meaning you have now adopted an emotionally unstable drunk girl, congratulations! Nine times out of ten the tears will be about a man, the top reasons I’ve encountered are:
1. the guy she likes has kissed another girl
2. she has kissed another guy and now the guy she likes has labelled her a whore.
3. no real reason, she just really likes a guy.
You will feel an overwhelming amount of guilt just leaving her to other strangers, she has probably told the story of how “he acts like he really likes me and then he just gets with some fat bitch wearing a dress that is two sizes to small to fit her fat body in, what a wanker, why does he like her and not me, I’m pretty aren’t I?” So best probably tell her that the guy is an idiot and she can come with you and dance until she finds her friends. Normally by the time your halfway to the dance floor she’s staggered off to go and shout at this guy anyway so you probably won’t have to follow through with your promise of happy dancing.
2. Grinding drink spilling man.
So you’re on the dance floor at this point, you know you’ve drunk enough to go dance when you do some sort of stubbly catwalk to a song you vaguely know with your hand and drink in the air.
Girls normally form some sort of circle, note when girls form a circle this normally means they are happy enough dancing with each other and aren’t looking for the company of a man in a checkered shirt tonight. However, the circle never seems to keep the type of man who grinds on you unexpectedly away. He will pick a girl from your group, no attempt of talking, or eye contact even, no, straight in with trying to rub his crotch on your bum. At this point just pull an uncomfortable face at your friend and they will generally grab your hand and do some sort of dance move with you like spinning you around to show this is a girls only area. You will probably then move to the opposite side of your dance circle. This may work depending on how grindy this man is, he may get the message, turn round and start rubbing his crotch on another stranger. However he if he is incredibly insistent he will grind his way round the circle until he reaches you again at which point he may try and put his hands on your waist, the hand that has his beer in and then you will inevitably get a drink drenched side. This is when verbal intervention is needed a simple “go away” will do and you will probably get asked a question like ” don’t you like dancing, i’m just dancing” or he will pull a your loss face and air hump himself over to a new victim. You may see him later in the kebab place with the girl you saw crying in the toilets.
3. Angry girl in shoes she can’t walk in.
Going out is often taken as a chance for girls to show that they are hotter and look better in a body-con than you do.
They normally come in a group and will be wearing something that looks like its been painted on and have hair that has its own gravitational force. It doesn’t matter if you have no intention of starting some sort of sexy war with her, she will try and start it anyway. It normally starts with a stompy walk around the area of the club you are in and a bitch look over, followed by a sexy hip moving dance and another bitchy look over. You may get yelled at asking what you are looking at, but it’s kind of hard to take her seriously when her ankles are buckling in her 7 inch stilettos. It’s best to ignore it as all you will probably get is a mouthful of hair flicked in your face when she gets bored and wanders off in search of another WKD. Word of warning don’t stand next to her at the bar when your getting a drink, you will be elbowed in the boob.
4. The group of young teens on their first night out.
This is annoying for two reasons, the first is they make you feel old as fuck, you see the bright eyed and bushy tailed look in their eyes, experiencing these new things and having a whale of a time in a place you are quite frankly sick of. The second is they are overly excited about everything, seriously, everything.
“OMG I LOVE THIS SONG”
“OMG YOU ARE SOOOO DRUNK”
“OMG LOOK AT THAT MAN’S BEARD, THAT MAN HAS A BEARD”
and so on. I am going to admit that half of the annoyance is jealousy it’s like when you watch a dog chasing it’s tail and think, “gosh wouldn’t it be as lovely to enjoy anything the amount that dog enjoys chasing his tail.”
They are having the time of their lives and you are thinking about how hungover you are going to be when your alarm goes off at stupid o clock for work in the morning.
5. the ALPHA male.
Ahh the Alpha male, the lad, the player, the guy with his arse out, the guy all his mates look up too.
He will probably be extremely drunk as he has to keep up the pretence that nothing can touch him (even though he was probably drunk after his second beer) so his arrogance will be in full force. The type of dude that would come onto you and if you refuse he will insist it was only for a laugh anyway.
He will take this night out to teach his followers how to be the definition of the word lad and how to be a sure fire hit with the ladies. Alpha male will probably end up hooking up with angry girl and you will later see them morphing into the basically having sex on the dance floor couple.
6. The group that are way too good to be there.
They generally look like they have been pulled backwards through urban outfitters and have spent zero effort in the 4 hours they put in getting ready.
The music is shit, the drinks are shit, the people that are there are shit, but instead of leaving it seems to be more productive to stand round the edge of the dance floor pulling faces at the people who are enjoying the shitness.
You will see the girls from the group putting on their dark lipstick rolling their eyes at anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of acceptable and saying something like “egh and that’s why I said we shouldn’t come here”.
Give it an hour or so and after a few glasses of ‘closest to our normal drink that this lame bar doesn’t even serve’, they will be dancing and having fun too (ironically of course).
7. The middle ages man who looks lost.
It’s a common fact that if you look round carefully in a club you will see a bald middle aged man wondering around aimlessly like he is looking for his misplaced lawnmower and just wondered if he might of left it here. Nobody knows why he is here, including him nor indeed who he is here with. Maybe he just came in to ask if they could turn the music down or maybe he got lost on his way to B&Q. Your guess is as good as his.
8. The weird friend.
If your friend is in the middle of being chatted up by a handsome stranger and you have been left to talk to their weird friend, never fear, turns out that the weird friend is normally way more fun to talk to. Your mate is going through the formalities of what job they do, how old they are etc. Meanwhile you are having this amazing conversation about if it is morally right to send animals into space and how good bagels are, so who’s the real winner here?
9. The end of the night predator.
For people who haven’t pulled and that was the sole intention of leaving the house, the end of the night throw out where people are waiting for their taxis is the prime location to find last minute romance.
Men start talking to that girl who they slagged off earlier in the night for thinking she had a chance, well turns out, she does.
Girls start deciding that they don’t want their night to end there and start asking about “after parties”. My advice would be just wait til the end of the night to pull, it’s about an 80% chance you will. I met my boyfriend at the end of the night and he hasn’t been able to get rid of me since, lucky him.
You have to feel sorry for the taxi drivers who work late nights, having drunken hands smeared across their car windows, whilst asking if they would be able to take them home for 56p and a packet of gum. Then after they have let you in their taxi’s they have to hear everything about your night and life and come up with a solution to all your problems and put it in a way that your drunken head will understand, id imagine taxi drivers have more knowledge on the human mind than Freud ever did.