I read an article on WMW, written by one of the authors, regarding how wrong it is to say you hate your child. I agree.
Of course, I then read the article about the ‘mother’ unable to cope with all the parenting issues. I am not a mother and realised many years ago, I will never be one. Not for obvious reasons, but for reasons no one will ever know. The real reason will forever remain between myself and my gynaecologist. Yep, I had a hysterectomy because of something, at the age of 32. Writing that does not make me sad, but I wrote that because many thoughts pertaining to parenting flooded my mind. I could have been one, so understand a bit as the loss of it only hit home when I was categorically told I would never have children. I am appalled that someone HATES their child… to make use of a cliché, you never know what you had till its gone…
What stopped me from having a child prior to that drastic medical procedure was purely financial reasons. I never intended to marry as it never interested me. Besides, except for one, none of them were ‘marriage material’. At that time, to give birth to, raise etc a well-adjusted child was close to impossible if you were single, so I decided from a young age that I would never bring a child into the world I could not provide for – in ANY way.
I am unable to comprehend the mind behind saying, you hate your child. Terrible thing to say, admit to, think about – absolutely NO bravery there. That cannot be a happy household for that thought to enter your mind and ‘cement’ it into words. Like I said, I am not a mother but if I was financially independent (I would not HAVE to marry), there would have been no stopping me. Besides making me happier and adding purpose to my life, my parents would have loved it. Even now, my parents wish I had a child. I must admit, I would have liked a child. I think I would have been good at it, there’s optimism for you, but life had other plans…
The hysterectomy was NOT because of my disability – not at all that simplistic. I have a friend, who is also a paraplegic and she has two boys. I recall us getting into the car to go shopping. The oldest son (then 10) had to put the wheelchairs into the car and had to sit sandwiched between them (she drove). He was not happy. His mom promised him ice-cream etc, his response to that was a grown up sigh and him saying, “A man has to do what a man has to do.”
We laughed so much, as he was serious and took his duties as the man of the household seriously! She had separated from her husband, so Keenan was the man. So yes, we can have children, however they learn the importance of far greater things, i.e. compassion, kindness, responsibility far sooner than their peers.
I have friends with children. I no longer see them and their kids have grown up into healthy adults. Yes, parenthood is not easy but the rewards are priceless. Testament to that are the strong bonds between child and parents well into adult years. Yeah ok, I was not an easy teenager… but that is the past. I am extremely close to my immediate family. For example, I graduated high school in 1988 and left almost immediately for Horsemastership College. We had a short break after a few months, so naturally I went ‘home’ for those few days. I was 18 years old and felt more mature than ever.
Unfortunately, I was the only one who felt a difference in my new ‘mature’ mind. My mother and I had a rather volatile relationship when I was a teenager (my fault as I was as cheeky as anything). My mother came downstairs whilst my brother (home from school and was still in his uniform) and myself sat on the sofa watching TV. My mother said something I did not like and a verbal fight ensued. I said something, my mother slapped me and I slapped her back. I was 18 – do not slap me…
She phoned her friend who must have said slap her, or something, as I heard my mother say, “She’ll just slap me back…”
So I was not easy, but not ONCE did my mother say it. I would fully understand my mother saying something hurtful after that episode. She never did. From what I have seen and experienced, successful parenting is only for the good and strong.