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On orgasms and blasphemy

I’m a big fan of the orgasm. BIG fan. In my opinion, it is the single greatest, pure and euphoric pleasure in this life that you can have for free…for nothing…no cost…

It’s a fantastic pastime, a hobby really, I mean seriously…every other hobby I tried didn’t last more than a few weeks…

Netball – Six weeks

Hockey – Eight weeks

Brownies (that’s Girl Guides to most of the rest of the world) – Two weeks

Judo – Two weeks

Horse Riding – Six months, actually…there has to be some connection there…

But orgasming? Still a committed member of that particular club and as you get older, it becomes a fucking team sport! You can play solo, with a partner, in doubles, in groups…

When I was younger I figured there was only one type of orgasm, it took me years to learn that I was wrong…and suddenly there was a whole new world of orgasmic delight just waiting for me to experiment with!

So, without further ado, I’ve categorised just a few that we all know and love, because, well, I’m bored and who doesn’t like orgasms?

#1 – The Silent One – We’ve all done it! Don’t pretend you haven’t! That one you absolutely need, but you can’t let on to anyone that you’re doing it! Seriously, I am the master of the silent orgasm! I can get myself off in utter silence, without making a move, while sharing a bed with a sleeping counterpart and they will be none the wiser…it takes some skill to perfect and some serious self-control, but it can be done…and hallelujah, you can be orgasming anytime, anyplace, anywhere…

#2 – The Necessary One – You know the one I mean…It’s not really about the build up, or about getting turned on, you just need the relief. I always found orgasms helped me sleep, so if I’m having trouble sleeping, I’ll take one for the team…bingo! Lights out! Job-jobbed.

#3 – The Half Arsed One – This one can happen on your own, or with a partner. It just needs to get done now. The epitomical moment has passed and for whatever reason, it just didn’t happen. Now you’re willing to take whatever you can get…it happens, it’s great, it’s not Earth shattering, but it’ll do…for now.

#4 – The Oh Fuck I Needed That One – It’s been a while…for whatever reason you haven’t been able to pull off (no pun intended, guys, I know you get this too!) a silent, necessary, or even half-arsed one, so when you get the chance, it’s fucking awesome! It’s a wonderful release of tension, endorphins, adrenaline…it puts a huge smile on your face and you’re pretty fucking pleased with yourself. You can now go about your day without that horrible ‘Fuck-Me-Mist’ that has you picturing everyone naked and wondering if the guy you just walked past has is a ‘show-er’ or a ‘grow-er’…(Sorry…is that a British turn-of-phrase? Let me know…)

#5 – The ‘I’m Gonna Cry’ Cathartic One – This one is most definitely reserved for partner-play. It’s a sonic boom of an explosion that pushes every emotion out of your very being and leaves your body not knowing exactly what to with itself…so what does your body do when it reaches that cataclysmic pinnacle? It cries…

#6 –The Blaspheming One – My personal favourite. Definitely not a solo event. The one so good it almost hurts. That peak is just so damn, fucking, insanely amazing that you lose control of your brain-to-mouth filter and just start randomly worshiping deities out loud, like praying to the orgasm gods is going to get you through the crescendo and wait…did I just have a near death experience?…is that a white fucking light? “Oh God! Oh God! Oh Jesus Fucking Christ! FUCK, OH GOD!!!”

#7 – Oh! And of course….The Fake One! 😉

Originally posted on https://emmajaneallthatgoodstuff.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/on-orgasming-and-blaspheming/


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