Theres so many things I have done in my life, many mistakes and so many achievements… do I regret anything? NO.
I compress the time I spend procrastinating otherwise it would be WEEKS. First I spin around my doubts, especially when the matters are vital, then every morning I run, make calls, answer important emails or texts and go to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee or to open the refrigerator door, but not to eat just to stare.
After doing all this, finally I am ready to write. But something distracts me, the magical box where you throw things to hide and preserve – a purple notebook winks at me. Ugh. What a trip. It is a notebook from 2004, when I left high school. I open it and find notes written to my co-generation, my classmates, my friends. How time hits when presented well, it’s like a gust of air not fresh but hot and burning.
One by one the texts unravel before me and I’m projected in three dimensions as the faces of my classmates appear. There were about twenty five students per group back then. Twenty five uncertainties. Twenty five unknown futures.
I’m sorry. Yes I changed a lot and will continue to do so. I tried more than just a college degree. I tried to be an actress, I surrendered. I tried yoga, lots of diets, I tried to become a flamenco dancer, I tried to live in the north and south, I tried smoking and quitting. I tried to live in the jungle. I tried to be a better person and I surrendered to the absurdity. I tried love and I keep trying. I did not try to be a mother, not yet. I try to write and I’ll keep trying. I grew my hair and cut it, I dyed it blue and red. I got extensions, I removed them. I grew three grey hairs that look plastic and ugly, stiff, indomitable.
And with each of these changes came the losses but also profits. I have lost friends and partners, searching for an identity that no longer defined me, I have lost money and weight, but I have also gained some. I’ve lost my temper and I’ve recovered it.
And despite all the kilometers traveled and retraced I’m still a teenager in high school, still pretending that during the changes, those who I care about can change with me so I can keep them not only close but contained in the same frame. It hurts… the immediate loneliness is present. When others get married and you do not, when others have children and you do not, when others remain with their partner for years and you do not, when others are interested in things that you are not, the gap appears and grows. When you hear that expression “X has changed”, adding it with some subtle resentment… It says infinitely more about them than for X who “has changed a lot.”
Probably when we are starting to feel someone has changed, we should point to our quiet mind, we should feel happy for them, we should encourage the positive changes and embrace the new self.
I am keeping my purple notebook… It makes me feel incredibly nostalgic but at the same time I am profoundly grateful for it.