“Am I making myself invisible?”
I believe that feeling invisible has a shared responsibility with ourselves and the people we spend our time with. When I was at school I had a brilliant group of friends, they were supportive, understanding, the best you can ask for, but after I met my now ex boyfriend I changed, I became invisible over night, due to his verbal and physical actions, I didn’t talk to my friends as I was told they didn’t actually like me they just put up with me, left sixth form early without A-Levels and made excuses not to go out because I didn’t want to wear an unusual amount of make up to cover up things on my face as it was very rare for me to wear mascara let a loan cover every inch of myself in foundation. I was too scared to not be by his side as I knew full well what would happen. After 3 years of that I managed to get out. A year later I started work, and then that invisibility cloak wrapped itself back round me. I worked in an environment within a very small team, and I felt extremely invisible. I had very low self esteem and confidence and believed it was my fault I was being left out, it was might fault they would just walk off and leave me out of conversations, but looking back I don’t think it was all me, if they cared enough about my feelings, they would’ve tried and made me feel part of a team, but no such luck, and I was only noticed when one member of the “team” was upset with the other person, and I was used to be spoken to about the other person.
Why was I only made to feel visible when someone wanted to moan? why couldn’t I have been spoken to all the time? I was so angry that I, in my opinion, was being used, that I ended up shutting myself away and making myself invisible. I purposely worked in a different area, purposely changed conversations and purposely ignored my “team”, but this was the only way I could feel content, I had gone from hating being invisible to hoping i would be invisible, this is what I mean about making ourselves invisible, sometimes we make ourselves disappear due to bad experiences that we fear we might get back into.
Even though all that happened only months ago, it still effects me like it is still happening. I am currently out of work and am scared about getting a new job in case I get ignored again and I feel that low and that invisible again. It has knocked my confidence so much that I hardly go out and I have lost some friends due to paranoia. I am hoping that continuing to write my worries and thoughts on this blog, I may start to come to terms with my fears.