Is it just me or are girl’s magazines “relationships and sex” sections just a tad on the patronising side? Every time I open a magazine or look online at the likes of Cosmo or Glamour I feel like they are talking to me like I’m a social reclusive that has only ever laid eyes on a man around three times (two of those times through the twitching of my cat hair upholstered curtains) The advice they give seems to be either: obvious self sense, completely belittling and sexist or ridiculously insane. I will give you an example.
Ahem “12 steps to make him fall in love with you” Just from the title here it is safe to assume that as a single female you would be a needy, must have a man, why don’t I have a man? WHY WON’T ANYONE LOVE ME? kind of person.
Tip number one: “Give him an eyeful” accompanied by this picture:
I can tell you something for nothing, if someone was looking at me like this, I wouldn’t think they were trying to win my affections, I’d think they were slightly mentally disturbed, but what do I know? I’m a mere woman on the hunt for someone to love me and we all know if you don’t have a man who loves you, you may aswel just give it up and peg it now, because without love it’s just cats and stamp collecting for you my friend.
Anyway, let’s give this a try, ok so from the look I’m getting from this picture I should have my head down, eyes to the side and sadistic smile across my face?
That should result in me ending up looking a little like this…
Tip number two: Be like him
That’s right, throw your own personality and personal attributes out of the window right now! People and especially men aren’t going to like you for who you are, who are you trying to kid?
Have an honest connection with someone? I don’t think so.
Let him cherish you as in individual? HA right, like that’s going to happen.
No the best thing to do here is have no personality or opinions at all and you’ve got it sorted. Think 1950s repressed housewife.
Tip number three: Don’t go too far. (in reference two number 2)
Oh ok, that’s a relief he does want to know me as a person right? No, no don’t be silly. You just don’t want to bore him senseless because then he will leave you all on your own, and where will you be then? That’s right stamps and cats.
Tip number four: Hang around… a lot!
Ah the good old stalking advice, there’s never been a time when that has back fired.
“This sounds counterintuitive but it’s not. Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt.”
Oh my gosh, this is amazing advice, so basically he won’t find me weird and threatening if I’m constantly hanging around his house, hiding in his cupboard and poking through his bins and such sorts? I think I’m finally getting this now, ah no wonder I was single for a year, I had this falling in love thing completely wrong, pssh.
Tip number five: Then Disappear, but not for too long!
Ah ok, just enough time for him to think “oh that crazy girl with the face of Mr Burns has stopped going through my belongs, what a relief” Think again fuck bag, I’M BACK NOW.
Tip number six: Ask for his help.
“In this day and age when women are fiercely independent, a man can feel less able to give her what she needs – other than sex, what does he have to offer?”
Exactly, you don’t want him thinking that you can be capable of having a life without him. We all know that showing you have a brain is the most unattractive thing you could possibly do. Make sure your constantly asking dimwitted remarks that way he can feel manly and knowledgeable, I recommend this question.
“Darling, what are baby dogs called? I like them because they are small and fluffy”
Tip number seven: be confident.
Ok not much to say on this one, if they hadn’t contradicted it with the first six tips, not bad advice.
Tip number eight: Laugh
“Men want to be seen as strong, clever or tough, men want to be the funny one.”
Women who crack jokes or attempt to be funny in anyway are extremely threatening, it’s not your job to feel like a worthwhile human, just sit back and mindlessly laugh at everything he says, because girls who giggle constantly at anything aren’t annoying in the slightest.
Tip Number nine: Be a good friend
Again not bad advice but I would imagine it would be very hard to build any type of friendship once you’ve conveyed yourself as a moronic, characterless, stalking Psychopath.
Tip Number ten: Feed him grapes.
Yes, yes you read that right, number ten is feed him grapes. My personal tip for this is combine it with tip four. When your living in his bin in order to get close to him, just jump out when he is walking past and shovel them into his un-expecting mouth.
Tip Number eleven: Love him.
If you haven’t proven your complete and utter devotion to him by changing everything you are, then push your needy love on him that little bit more.
and, last but by no means least….
Tip Number twelve: Love yourself.
Because this has pretty much been the consistant message the whole way through hasn’t it?
What it’s all been about from tip number one, once you’ve ground yourself down to a laughing, stupid, needy, stalking, vapid, Mr Burn’s impressionist, love it, embrace it!! It’s the new you and I’ll tell you what, the men are going to love it!!
….OR!!! you could take a risk and try this, be yourself and wait for someone who comes along who kind of likes you for it..
Only joking, ah balls I shouldn’t be doing that should I?