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Health & Fitness


lycra loathing

I haven’t been able to exercise for almost 2 years as I have had a number of pulmonary embolisms (large blood clots in my lungs), and have been at increased risk of pulmonary hypertension. Now, despite being kept on warfarin for the rest of my life, I have officially been given the go ahead to throw myself back into sport. It’s a relief, I used to be really sporty and have not been as comfortable as I would like in my newly rounded out body.

I spent a lot of years feeling unhappy with my figure before actually doing something about it and it was great, a real revelation in self-confidence, so to have that all taken away was a harsh blow, but here we go again. I have joined the gym and gotten my beloved road bike out of retirement (though I did do a 100 mile ride this year already, to test my fitness levels) and I am ready to go. There is just one problem… I bloody hate lycra.

I doubt that lycra is many people’s favourite fabric, but having just tried on my new bib shorts I actually thought I didn’t look too bad, until I turned around and remembered the horror of riding in stretchy material. As I bent down to test the capabilities of my new shorts, I could see the faintest outline of my bottom crack, laughing back at me in the mirror. Oh shit. I’m not sure I am ready for that to be on display. I mean maybe when I have a pert and fab arse, but now, when I am feeling a bit flabby? But this is not the worst part.

My partner is off on a trip to the Alps with some friends next week, to ride up a lot of mountains, so he too got some new bib shorts and a few jerseys. As he pulled on his lycra and zipped up his top he turned from my handsome chap into the buffest, hottest man I have ever had the privilege to perv openly at. I mean seriously. He was all beef and no cake! He seemed pleased with my appraisal and obviously sensed that I was not feeling so rocking in my get up so offered these words of comfort;

“Don’t worry hun, now your shorts have arrived, you can ride more.”

This was followed by a patronising double pat on my thigh and a wink. Git.

Perhaps in a few months, I will post a picture of me tearing it up in some lycra, but for now I will just have to fuel your imagination with a not so subliminal image which represents how I feel… xx

Pork Sausages in Plastic Packaging Tray




  • Anna says:

    I have had no excuses for this year-and-a-bit lack of exercise – with me, it’s more a case of Sauvignon NOT being a sports drink – but now getting back into the running, hoping to get back to doing 10k under the hour and my generously sized backside migrating back north a little. However, I shall be wobbling my wobbly wobbliness around in baggy running gear as there is no way in hell I will get into my tight capris with all this flab on display. And I totally relate to the picture, right now that’s me on a GOOD day. Loved this article! x

    • Amy Tocknell says:

      Thanks hun. Seriously, Lycra was invented by a cruel person, probably a chap. xx
      Ps. just had to check, yes it was a man. Damn them!

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