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In Love But Not Making It

How many times a week do you have sex?  What about a month?  OK how about a year?  It’s a personal question that can come up when chatting with the gals.  People assume that because you’re in a relationship you must be having sex all the time.  It’s so easily achieved when your partner is sleeping next to you every night right? WRONG?

If you’ve ever used an app to track your sexual escapades, periods, and hormonal swings you might’ve learned something about your love life.  For me, I learned that I wasn’t having enough sex for someone who lives with their significant other.  All my friends who were in relationships were having sex regularly.  At least three times a week (sometimes more than once a day).  So when I looked at my calendar and saw that I hadn’t had sex in over a month I didn’t know what to think.  Was I not in love anymore?  Did he not love me anymore?  I knew this wasn’t the case but what was it.  What if he wasn’t attracted to me anymore? Or maybe I wasn’t attracted to him and this was my body telling me to move on.  Before getting hysterical I decided to confront the boy in question.  His answer? “I’m just tired.”

What’s a girl to think!?  Her boy is too tired for sex?  That’s never a good answer! Boys are programmed to want sex all day every day aren’t they?  But then it dawned on me… He was always the one to initiate any kind of intimacy while we were dating.  I’ve never been a particularly sexual person but rather waited for him to want me.  Maybe I had let the spark go out and needed to reignite it.  Maybe he knew he could have me whenever he wanted now that we lived together so his sense of urgency was gone.  Well that was going to change.  I made an effort to wear sexy undergarments.  I became more playful during everyday activities and made sure to strut around the house in as little clothing as possible.  Sometimes this worked but when I looked back at my app there was no significant change.  But then I realised, without looking at the app I would never have noticed that we weren’t having sex.  I didn’t miss it.  It was a false sense of insecurity that made me wonder why we weren’t intimate with each other more frequently.  But there are other ways of showing intimacy than having sex regularly.

Intimacy can come in many forms.  It’s a head rub when you’re not feeling well.  It’s snuggling on the couch with your favorite movie on.  It’s holding each other’s hands while walking down the street. It’s dancing in the kitchen to the sound of his humming.  When I climb into bed at night I don’t think, “I’m glad we’re not having sex tonight.” I don’t think about it all.  When it happens it happens. We’re in love and that’s not changing no matter the number of times we rumple the sheets.

So how many times have we had sex this month?  None of your business.

Comments

  • Amy Tocknell says:

    I love this article! As much as nookie is fun, if I had to choose between that and all the subtle ways my other half shows that he loves me and has been thinking of me that day, it would be bye bye sexy undies, hello boy shorts! xx

  • Mrs Abby Mrs Abby says:

    Very true! My husband has Cystic Fibrosis and most of the time, his lungs just won’t let him….erm do activities that make him breathless! We go long periods without, and I mean sometimes only twice a year but it’s not important to us….lovely when we do because it also means that he is feeling good lung wise! Having to go without for the sake of health makes you realise how sex really isn’t the bee all and end all of intimacy. Great article! :) xxx

    • Amelia, I’m glad you enjoyed the article! I think it can be hard when everything today is about “sex sells” and I’ve heard on multiple occasions how sex is the key to a happy marraige. I think people are missing out on a greater intamcy if that’s all they’re focused on! Plus kids today rush into something and then it isn’t special anymore. I’m glad it’s still special for you and your hubby!

  • Elizabeth, this is such a fab article!! Really honest and open which is fab to read. Super happy that you are comfortable sharing this with us as I’m totally on your page!! My friend told me last week that her and her bf have nookie at least twice a day!!!! I mean, great for them but don’t they have a life?? and a job and hobbies/other interests!?? My husband is super affectionate, a very warm person, inside and out. There is absolutely no need for us to have nookie everyday. I know he loves me unconditionally and vice versa. Nookie happens when it happens and we are very comfortable and happy with that xx

    • Brooke,
      I’m right there with you! Don’t these people have jobs? I’m exhausted after a full day of work! I think it makes a relationship more interesting when you have the opportunity to explore other avenues of intimacy. People forget how fun cuddling can be! I mean sex is great and all but I think it can lose it’s excitement if it’s all you do all the time! To each their own perhaps…

  • How do people physically find the time to do it more then once a day?! That’s what baffles my mind! My boyf and I still live in our separate homes so we only manage it twice, maybe three times a week but when we do, it’s great! Exactly Brooke, I don’t really see a need for it everyday unless you are addicted to it! We enjoy plenty of cuddles and spooning without having to go further. That’s what being in a relationship is all about, not just about the S word 😉 xx

  • Silvia says:

    Great topic Elizabeth! And, as usual, great article! 😀

  • Stilyana Hristeva Stilyana Hristeva says:

    Great, Elizabeth! :) So honest that almost naked!

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