For every situation in life, there’s an appropriate quote from a film or a sitcom.
I can think of a few female characters I identify myself with, thanks to their words. For example, Amy from The Big Bang Theory. When I was younger, I didn’t have many friends and I always felt kind of left out from the rest of the group. As I moved abroad just over a year ago, away from my nearest and dearest, somehow I’m experiencing the same issue again.
“I promised myself if I ever got friends I’d do whatever they said. Really, I’m lucky you found me before a cult did.”
So because these days I tend to spend quite a lot of time at home, as Roseanne Conner once said:
“I feel like a used piece of gum someone stuck under the table just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.”
or, when I’m feeling positive
“I am so amazing. If I ever get off this couch I’ll be unstoppable.”
What about love then? I’ve hurt people and people have hurt me.
“Your love is like a giant pigeon, crappin’ on my heart.”
Music and lyrics by Phoebe Buffay, from Friends.
Now I am single again and let’s face it, being alone sucks. Have you ever discussed your sexuality after a break up? I did. But I guess…
“We are all lesbians when the right guy isn’t around.”
Karen Walker from Will and Grace.
Let’s talk about sex. Is it really true that every woman has faked an orgasm at least once in her lifetime? Yes. Not that I would…. especially these days, I’m constantly so horny that even if a guy at work hands me a pen I get all excited. No no no. I’m not gonna throw on you the overrated scene from When Harry met Sally. This is more what I have in mind…
“Oh Ramon, Ramon. Oh yes, Ramon!!! Mi capitan, mi amor, you are Columbus I am America, discover me Ramon!! Is that an earthquake?? No, it’s RRRRRamon. Oh Ramon, your penis is so POWERFUL, oh, I’m coming!!! Ok thanks get off me now.”
Courtesy of Romi and Michelle’s High School Reunion. Speaking of which, you know how, through Facebook, you can reconnect with your school buddies? To find out that a good 60% are happily married with kids, 39% are in the middle of an incredibly successful career and then there’s you, the remaining 1% is devastating. Even worse, one day you’ll check your inbox to see THE question “So, what are you up to?”. I’ve learned that the best answer is:
“Um, I invented the post-its.”
I could go on forever with this quote joke but I’d like to close with a view to a possible future, a bright future in which I’m having one of those life coaching conversations with my young and beautiful teenage daughter…
Peggy: Kelly, it’s time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it’s called work.
Kelly: I’m scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you’ll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin’ like beer and wantin’ some lovin'; you’ll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you’ll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it’s still better than work.
From Married with Children