I’m usually not an overly emotional person. I rarely cry, preferring to spring to action in the face of adversity instead of wallowing in self pity but recently all that has changed. My beloved Nan passed away on October 15th 2014.
I was very close to my Nan. Growing up she was my main source of support in my life and was so proud, not just of my educational achievements, but of the person I’d become. She was such a loving, kind, witty person and my world is a little less brighter without her.
When she died I couldn’t cry for weeks. Not properly. Not in the way I needed to; the sort of sobbing that splits a person in two. Grieving is such a weird feeling. Surreal. Like I can laugh and smile and enjoy myself but it’s in the middle of the night when I start thinking, or my mind wanders and I feel the depth of my loss. I never thought grief would be like this, so ambivalent. I thought I’d shut myself off and shrink inside myself as I do sometimes when I need to. I find myself wanting to see people, to connect, I find I can still be make jokes and feel good but it’s all tinged with a gaping hole in my chest which I doubt will ever close.
I’m now forever on the cusp of an emotional breakdown. I sob at adverts, those cringey YouTube click bait videos and on so many occasions, about nothing at all. I can still be wild and funny at times but I can also be irrational, moody, weepy and just plain sad, ignoring or antagonising those who love me. It makes me feel a bit ashamed to be honest, like I’m betraying myself, which makes me even more angry. *cue tears*
I went for lunch with my friend who had experienced her own loss some years ago. What I got from our conversation is that I need to try and be gentle with myself. The direct, no nonsense approach I have is still there, it’s still me, but I’m experiencing a shift, a change so life-altering that it will take a while to adjust.
When I think about it, it just re-affirms how important my Nan was to me. Losing a light that bright should not be without consequences.
For now I will try and relax, let myself whinge and moan in the hope it will get easier with time.
Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be crying in a dark room over the John Lewis advert.