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KIDS, YA GOTTA LOVE EM

Waiting in a long line at a department store, 4 year old Sam was in his father’s arms. “Hey Yady,” he called out to the woman in front of them. When she turned to acknowledge Sam, he stretched out his arms as far as they would reach. “My daddy has a penis that’s this long!!”

At eight months pregnant, Sue looked forward to her toddler’s afternoon nap. Sue could put her feet up and catch a wink or two. After a short book and a calming lullaby, 3 year old Paige was soundly asleep. Tip toeing out of the nursery, Sue sighed as she stretched out on the couch. Awakening an hour later, Sue thought that perhaps she was still dreaming; the refrigerator door was wide open and most of the contents were missing. Paige excitedly greeted her mom with a face covered in syrup. Behind her was the long hallway that led to the living room. The entire wall on one side was covered with mustard, peanut butter, dripping milk, raspberry jam and so on. “You said that we should clean out the fridge,” Paige proudly stated.

Five year old Martha had been hearing her father’s inappropriate language for all of her short life. On this day, she joined her Grandmother for a luncheon outing. Grandmother Mary worked as a secretary at a physician’s office and they happened to run into Dr. Peterson at the restaurant. “Your Grandmother is a wonder,” Dr. Peterson told Martha. “I don’t know what I would do without her. You’re very fortunate to have such a special grandmother.”

“Yes,” replied Martha, “she’s an asshole and I fuckin’ love her.”

Dean was not happy that he had to watch his little sister, Jennifer, when their parents went out. “Kids,” said mom, “here is a box of cookies and you may have three each. After their departure, Dean proceeded to eat the entire box. “Ohhhh, I’m gunna tell!” threatened Jennifer. Dean had a plan, however. Taking a wind up alarm clock and the beloved family cat, he placed them both in the clothes hamper and shut the lid. Calling his sister into the laundry room, he stated, “Do you hear that? Fluffy is in there with a bomb. You tell mom you ate all the cookies or….”

Crystal was 6 years old and loved doing anything crafty. Her mother, Carrie, had set her up at the kitchen table with paper, glue, scissors and markers. On the same table, Carrie had inadvertently placed the mail caddy. “I’m making Sally a birthday card,” Crystal announced as she fashioned her project. A half hour later, Carrie stopped by to see Crystal’s handiwork. Lining the edges on the front of the card were strips of a check, with an eagle in one corner. “Oh dear God, no!” screeched Carrie. Crystal had cut and colored the IRS refund check that was in the mail caddy as a means to complete her card. It took the better part of one year, and 17 government forms to receive a new check.

Three year old Montessori student, Aaron, was able to clearly print his name- a rather advanced feat. Teacher, Miss Victoria was lining up the young children to help them wash their hands before lunch. On the bathroom wall she spotted ‘AARON’ neatly printed in…poop. “I didn’t do that,” little Aaron stated. When Aaron’s mother arrived to bring him home, she was told of the incident and proudly cooed her child’s creativity.

Cindy and Maxwell were neighbors and friends and twice weekly they would have a play date. Both children were 5 years old and able to play unattended for short periods of time. Eating their lunch that day, Cindy announced, “Guess what mom, Maxwell’s ‘gina has a tail!?”

Spending the afternoon at the movie theater, 5 year old Tommy and his father were in line for a snack. When it was their turn to order, Dad told Tommy to place his order with the female attendant. “I’ll have a big bucket of cockporn he confidently stated.

Sonny, the Dachshund loved to sit atop the sofa which allowed him to look out of the window. His back faced the interior of the room and his long tail would wag back and forth as he enjoyed watching the birds at the feeder. Young Michael was forever pestering his parents to get him a Jack Russell Terrier like the one belonging to his older cousin. When dad, Keith walked into the living room, he called out, “Michael stop!! Put those scissors down!!” Michael, it appeared, was going to turn his dog into the cropped tail Jack Russell of his dreams.

Mom Sarah’s elderly father was a bit of a drinker. Having had 2 beers with his lunch, he laid on the couch for an afternoon nap. Just prior to his falling asleep, Sarah said, “Dad, I’m going next door to borrow eggs. I’ll be back in a sec. Steph is playing in her room.” The seconds turned into about 10 minutes and Sarah returned to quite the spectacle. Little Stephanie was gleefully decorating her grandfather’s face with permanent markers. Gramps snored and slept, unaware that he was now a fairy princess.

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