A network for women by women

Lifestyle

Newpapers

KATIE, PLEASE BE QUIET!!

We are a society that is full of slaves to celebrity culture. It is easy to say you aren’t interested, but in practice, is it really that easy to deny yourself that little bit of gossip? Do you find yourself going to the shop for The Guardian but leaving the shop with The Daily Mail? The Mail is still high-brow but it also has an element of La La land. You know your man won’t notice you have done this and when you get that five minutes, you can sit down and have a quick look at was is going on in the celeb world. It’s alright honestly, no-one will ever know. But in a moment of madness, when you are particularly engrossed, just try not Tweet about it, because you secret will be out.

This week alone, the two loudest and proudest Katie’s in the UK have treated us to the inside of their brains (and bodies in Mrs. Hopkins case.) We had been exposed to Katie Prices love life and the cough ‘addiction’ cough her lovely husband has. On the other hand Katie Hopkins has talked about fat, hers, ours, yours, mine and everyone else’s. Though even though the sound of these women and the mental image of them talking while we are reading about them can make the majority of us want to throw our coffee at the wall, we still give them an audience. Though it does make one wonder why this is.

Let’s take a candid look at Ms. Price. What is she? A model, a business woman, a horse-rider, and a designer. She is also a loud mouth. She, for the most part, looks like mutton dressed as lamb. She dresses up in fancy dress A LOT. She has no filter for what should be shared in a civil society and she is also a hypocritical idiot. This week we have seen her call her husband’s mistress’s whores and home wreckers. She has complained that these women have cloned her and she has not so subtly told us exactly who they are and where they live.

Great, ok, she is a woman scorned. But let us not forget that whilst her mouth is purging her brain of all these thoughts. Her Husband, the sex addict cheat, is lying right there next to her in his element. Now most women are no fan of a girl who is bedding someone else’s man, but then most women are no fan of the man either. Katie it seems, has passed over this paragraph in the good girl handbook and decided to not so much forgive, but more forget completely that he played any part.

Katie may feel like this is a livable solution and to give her the benefit of the doubt, she has just given birth. She also has four other children that she needs to look out for and with her history probably doesn’t want another marriage collapse. We can understand that right? But if that is the case, then please can someone explain why she cannot afford the husbands of these women the same right’s she has in making that decision.

Before Katie brought her husband into her close circle, her best friend had been married for twenty years and has two children. Now Katie, in all her pantomime glory is on all sorts of media outlets naming and shaming this woman. She has referenced the person’s children’s school and let us all know what village she lives in. We now all know who this woman’s poor husband is and his early morning paper run is probably the scariest excursion he has ever embarked on.

We get it Katie. She betrayed you, she has been your friend for years. But she didn’t father two of your children, or agree to love, honor and cherish you. She probably didn’t agree to be felt up by your low rent husband either. Though let’s be honest, what women of fifty wouldn’t like a twenty six year man’s hand on her backside. It can’t be said that the women in question were innocent, no way hose. But we can afford them a little dignity. They are the ones that have to explain the children why people are staring at them. They are the ones that have to put back together a marriage that wasn’t great in the first place. They are the ones that have to look at themselves, day in and out, knowing what foolish middle agers they have actually been.

Katie, we know it’s not been a bed of roses for you. We know your trust has been broken. We also know that you should never marry a man after knowing him for three weeks. But please do us all a favor and find some dignity while this plays out. There is only so much cringing a secret celebrity a reader can take day to day.

Speaking of cringing, it’s time to look at the less than divine Katie Hopkins. Now, Katie H as she will be called gained fame by being a witch. No-one can be sure whether she has a cauldron, but a peek through her bedroom window will probably show a pot bubbling.

This week the old trout got fat. Congratulations Katie! We are so pleased for you!

Not only did she get fat, she also showed us her lovely wet body by doing an Ice Bucket Challenge. That was a real treat for twitters Ville. So why did she do this? Well she confessed it was so that she could go on a diet and show the world that it’s not that hard to lose weight. Great, the anticipation must be killing everyone. All over the country women and men must have abandoned their normal daily worries like money, sex, kids, petrol, shopping …..Etc. They must all be sitting there just waiting for Katie to lose a few pounds. No? You’re not doing that? What a shocker.

Katie took the time out of her usual word vomit to explain how she had become so fat. In the first instance, she is 5ft 3inches and now eleven stone. She is hardly going to break the scales at weight watchers is she? But secondly, she has spent three months eating ready-made meals and doughnuts. Well welcome to the life of the poor Katie. Yes we can still afford food, but it’s half the price of your middle class, organic, sown from the earth online Waitrose deliveries. The normal faction, you know the ones that you spend your whole existence picking on, are blooming well glad of that last doughnut that the kids have missed at the end of a long day. Mind you, we don’t drown ourselves in red wine when the kids hit the bottom step and go to bed, so we deserve it.

So whilst eating her disgusting, probably Asda food, Katie allegedly only moved from the sitting room to the kitchen. Her children wouldn’t have noticed because she has already stated that she has very little to do with their care and her husband was probably out having sex with her best friend, that wouldn’t be a first would it. But yes, Katie is now fat by her own description, plus she is going on a diet and getting it filmed for some dodgy TV channel whilst she is at it.

The part of this that is less than coherent is that Katie regularly pontificates that she doesn’t care what people think of her. She can say what she wants when she wants and she has no shame or consideration about any of it. Then why does she have to prove this particular point? She has put weight on to lose it so that she can feel happy about calling an overweight person a fat lazy slob and say ‘look what I did.’ It is all a bit extreme for a woman who doesn’t care about anything don’t you think?

Could it be that Katie has a problem? Maybe she disparages the fleshier of us because she is terrified of us. We are the women that get up every day and accept who we are and what we look like. We work with our image, we dress for our size and we also love a good bit of apple crumble and ice cream when it takes our fancy. Katie, does that scare you? Are you tired of being pasty, wrinkly and a skinny minny? Does your husband wretch when he looks at your deflated bottom and start kneading pillows instead?

Could it be that perhaps Katie has enjoyed getting a bit bigger? Wouldn’t it be lovely if all of a sudden her mouth became less vile, and softer or feminine? She might be happier at home, munching on a packet of McCoy’s ready salted. She could start liking her children and taking them to Pizza Hut for a good old pig out. Maybe this weight gain will let us see a more angel like Mrs. Hopkins and maybe her family might actually want to spend time with her, instead of the Au Pair (husband and children.)

However, on the flipside, Katie is on the other side of forty (and hell.) Her blasting on about losing weight might be a little more difficult than she realized. She might actually have to do more than run around the block and lock up the chocolate. Soon we may become aware that she is suffering of diet frustration and about to un-leash holy hell on The Sun’s readers.

In that case twitter would become far more interesting wouldnt it? Rather than being subjected to ‘The NHS waste money on sick fat people,’ she might start saying ‘Arrgh, only one pound of this week, I am going to have to throw out those salted peanuts.’ We could be treated to pictures of The Horse Hopkins galloping around Hyde Park looking like an air balloon and maybe after a while, she will be called a fatty that often, she will finally shut the hell up.

On reflection, the only reason that these two women can be written about in this manner is that they do expose themselves to us. They make an awful lot of money doing it and we spend an awful lot of time taking it all in. It can’t be said that they haven’t got fame and notoriety without their (or their cheating husbands) exploits. It also can’t be said whether they do the things they do just so that they get that, infamy fame.

We don’t want to buy The Guardian because the last thing that can provide escapism is an article on the state of the Scottish Parliament. We want someone anonymous to hate on. We want to watch these women make themselves look like cretins so that we can feel superior ourselves. Who wants your money Katie P when you have no dignity? Who wants to be so far detached from reality that they spend three months getting fat to prove a point that no-one gives a damn about. Most importantly, we really want to look at that wealthy, career minded, foghorn and know that we would never be THAT stupid with our own husbands or health.

My advice is carry on buying The Mail or even better read it online. Don’t forget to include some Kardashian stalking, and laugh your head off when Katie Hopkins doesn’t lose that weight. Oh, but also laugh your head if she does, because she will be rifled with stretch marks. Just don’t lose control and post on Facebook or Twitter for your own safety. For everyone who can laugh in the face of celebdom, there is a counterpart that just can’t live without them.

Love Keels

Comments

  • Anna says:

    I just love your writing style, and your articles are always engaging and you always make a good point. But I will blushingly admit I quite like both the Katies, only really because they both refuse to be shut down and I can’t help liking women who don’t take any crap and no matter how misguided they’ll stand their ground… Having said that, I do also agree with most of what you’ve written in this article! xx

  • Keeley Keeley says:

    Thanks Anna, I enjoy your articles too. I have mixed feelings about the Katies, but I love it when I get retweeted by Mrs Hopkins, I just hope she loses that weight for all our sakes xx

Leave a Reply