I have always agreed with the saying ‘girls and guy’s’ can’t be friends. I know there are many of you out there who believe that two heterosexual beings can simply be ‘just friends’, with no feelings, drunk kisses and certainly NO sex, but it is really possible?. The term ‘friends with benefits’ has always irritated me to some extent. Yes it is a benefit to receive sexual pleasure, but the mere fact that one is happy to do so with the other means that there is some sexual attraction – and thus, some feelings beyond that of what you would feel for your friend. In my experience, I have had many guy friends who I have formed sexual feelings for, or the other way around, and this has often ended in tears as one of us would progress past the sexual feelings and the other would not, hence my lack of males friends now. After countless friendships ending, I vowed that from then on I would never consider a male friend as anything more – unless I felt more than just sexual tension.
Staying to true to my word was pretty easy, except when it came to one guy. We had been friends for years and considering that we used to work together and hung out on many occasions, we didn’t actually know each other that well. I went off to University and for about two years we had no contact. I was living a different life, finding myself, meeting new people and left a lot back home. It was the summer of 2013 when we finally met again, at a festival. It was planned of course, but I didn’t actually believe for a second that we would actually meet up, given that there are usually around 100,000 people at these things, but we did. I had scribbled his number down onto a piece of paper and luckily he answered when I called and was in desperate need of help to carry my ridiculously heavy bags. He came to my rescue and even set my tent up for me because, typically, I had no idea what I was doing. We actually spend the whole weekend together; holding hands, going on rides (which actually made him sic), drinking and watching some of our favourite bands. Although nothing sexual happened, not even a kiss, I felt something between us. The way he held me around my waist as we watched the bands and protected me against the rough crowd. He left that night and we awkwardly hugged. As he walked off into the dark, misty distance I felt a sudden rush of loneliness. I didn’t want him to leave. We kept in touch, but we didn’t actually meet up again until around three months later.
Later that year, being the generous guy he is, he surprised me with gig tickets to see one of our favourite band, so in October we met up again. Although we were both pretty drunk there was a connection between us and I’ll never forget the sensation I felt when all my hairs stood up as he embraced me from behind and we drunkenly swayed and sang to one of the most emotionally empowering songs. Again, we did not kiss, because we were ‘just friends’, having a really, really good time. A month or so later, we met again and after too many southern comfort and lemonades that’s when he told me that he was in love with me. We embraced at the train station, our hands held tightly until they broke apart as I stepped on to the train. Through my hazy vision I watched him stand and stare with solemn eyes as the train took off.
For a while after this, there was nothing but misery, as I had told him that we could only ever be friends. I believed we had become too close and too dependant on each other as friends to even risk ruining it and I needed him, always. For a while we didn’t speak. As expected, he felt too rejected and hurt and I felt confused. Very confused. Clearly I had feelings for him and as each morning rose and evening fell, the only thing that filled my mind was the thought of him. His face, his warmth and touch. I wanted more and I knew it.
We began talking again everyday, despite what had happened. I couldn’t stop talking to him and vice versa and I soon realised that it was not just sexual attraction, I was in love. We met again in early December 2013 and headed out to a bar in town. In my mind I had sort of pre-planned my move. I would have a few drinks to build my ever crippling confidence and would kiss him. How hard would that be I thought. After several beers and long eye contact I pulled him towards me and kissed him. He kissed me back and for the rest of the evening we laughed, talked and kissed, all night. It was perfect. He was perfect.
After this night we decided to make a go of it. I had to break my rule. He was an exception, my exception. We are still together today and he is without doubt the love of my life. In this case it wasn’t possible for us to ‘just be friends’ but, I knew that risking the friendship would be worth it. He’s not only my lover but my in fact, my best friend. I guess the key is to recognise if you’re guy friend is worth that drunken kiss, because it often ends up being more than this. In the end I realised that it was more than sexual attraction that I felt towards him, I was in love. People may mock those who are in love but in reality they’re just jealous. Because being in love is the closest thing that we have to magic and the most precious gift in life. I know that in being with him, I will own this gift for eternity.