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Hoping for something good

I was unjustly fired !

It felt like my edges were fraying a little, being told I lack motivation and initiative. My reply was sheer panic and anxiety, with me ending up having a panic attack mid-meeting. I said I felt they had not even taken my illness into consideration, their reply was that the decision had been made anyway.

Having this illness makes motivation a constant struggle, even staying motivated to keep on living each shitty day. What employers need to understand is that the energy it takes to even get out of bed is all the motivation I need. I did my job well as a cashier, having rapport with my customers to the point that some said they don’t want me to leave ! How does it make sense that they fired me? As far as I am concerned I was ganged up on, even to the point of having my work colleagues spreading rumours about me and complaining I wasn’t doing my job properly, which is just crap.

Working 42 hrs, having therapy and my illness to contend with made these my most stressful three months since being in hospital. What they don’t realise is that by firing me it has made me feel dark again, like I’m on the edge of a black hole just looking in, waiting to be sucked inside. The strength it is taking for me to not fall, to not give in, is greater than anything I have experienced. I have thought dark things ever since that meeting and its really hard to shake them. Drinking is my go-to comfort, but even that is not enough anymore and it just makes me feel guilty when I do anyway. Sometimes I look at my reflection and feel the mirror is cracking from the outside in.

I’m four sessions into my therapy and it’s helping, in fact I almost wish I could see her every day. I come out of there feeling lighter and clear-minded but it never lasts more than a day. I wish I could make the feeling permanent.

So now it’s back to the disheartening cycle of applying for jobs and feeling like I’m getting nowhere. I worry places won’t hire me because of my illness because it impacts on my work so much. No matter how hard I try not to show that I can’t cope it just seems to come out in a mini meltdown.

I hope and pray that something good happens I really need it.

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