I’m not one who likes to talk face to face about things which are personal and about my private life, I’m very much one of these people who keeps herself to herself, even with general things like relationships, personal issues, family life and home life; I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I could be engaged to Prince Harry right now and no one would know (I wish) ANYWAY. Back to the point, I have found a way to express my true honest feelings and I would just like to say a massive thank you to Women Make Waves as you have helped me to do that.
These last couple of months have been difficult, but interesting. So many things have changed, the majority of them for the better, but it’s still been tough, particularly these past few weeks. My dad has started treatment for his cancer and my grandparents are constantly in and out of hospital. People might know already, well those who know me well enough do, but I suffer a ridiculous amount with anxiety. I’m on a stupid amount of pills at the moment to keep me on track and even that will be changing again soon! It’s not something I’m ashamed of, I’ve never been ashamed of any problems I’ve had and trust me I’ve had or have pretty much every mental condition in the book. I know though that if it weren’t for these and everything I’ve been through because of them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and although I have a lot of self confidence issues I’m not ashamed of who I am. Because of these things, I feel that I’m a lot stronger and it helps me get through things knowing what I’ve gone through before. I feel when you experience these types of phases that you realise who cares and understands and who will remain close to you throughout these and accept your madness. Aside from my family, I feel deep down there’s only one other person who understands it fully and who will be there for me and they know who they are, other than that my friends are great, they understand and I appreciate them.
Sometimes though these stupid things in your head make you feel alone, make you feel unloved although you know you are just something in your head denies it and it’s the strangest thing to explain. I wake up every morning and tell myself I have the world at my feet; I’m 22, I have a degree, I have a great job which I love, a loving family, people who understand me, great health and everything but then just what I can only explain as a cloud just comes over and makes me feel doubt as to why I still want to be alive. Depression is nasty and it’s taking a lot of guts to write this but it’s horrible and there’s definitely not enough awareness out there for it. It baffles me how it works, like I said I have everything I could possibly ask for yet I still manage to feel this low, women who have beautiful new born babies which they created and then get post natal depression, actors like Robin Williams I dont need to say anymore but you get my point, its crazy how it takes over peoples lives. Sometimes I’ll just want to spend the day at home and end up crying uncontrollably, or I’ll be out and panic and want to go home. I’ll be fine and then within a second not want to talk to anyone and just lock myself away. It’s not nice and although I know I have a nice little life this still takes over me, I tell myself that as long as I have people by me who will be there for me when I have panic attacks and cuddle me when I’m upset then I’m ok.
Luckily, mental health is getting a lot more focus now than it used to do and I’m hoping that, fingers crossed, this might help someone. I’ve been in bad bad places before but if I was a 12 year old me, looking at me now then I know I’d be more than happy to aspire to who I am now. I’m not being bigheaded, I’m just fairly content of the direction my life’s taking at the moment and I didnt think when I was 15 and under every bit of psychiatric care possible that I would be in my position now when I’m nearly 22.
If anyone reading this does have anxiety or depression, eating disorders, bipolar, even addictions, anything mental health associated, just pick yourself up, smile and remember the people you have in your life and what you want to achieve, give yourself something to look forward to, if it helps I’m looking forward to the fact that I’m going to paint my nails and attempt a halloween theme in a minute! Tiny things people! You will get yourself where you want to be in life but only you can make that happen.
To finish, as Jessie J would say “its okay not to be okay”. CHEESE.