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Portrait of a baby sticking his tongue

Give Kisses

Give Kisses. My pet peeve. I admit now that I have a baby its marginally different but before my little lady was born I would do anything in my power to have as little to do with other people’s babies as possible. The worst thing is when people bring them into the office. Why? Why do you want to bring your baby into the workplace where people are trying to work? All of the women would jump up to go and coo over the baby. I’d usually pretend I was busy or else phone the most boring person I could think of that I only ever communicated with via email because you can never get them off the phone. But inevitably I couldn’t stay busy forever and the new mum would usually loiter around my desk, pointing her baby at me until I looked interested and made the obligatory comments “Oh they are so cute” or “Isn’t he/she so well behaved”. Sometimes you think you can get away with it. You can’t. There is no escape from the dreaded words “Do you want a hold?” NO, is the honest answer. I hardly know you and only tolerate you because we are work colleagues so I certainly do not want to hold your dribbling, snot covered baby. “Oooh yes!” you say, trying to keep the deranged smile on your face. But lets face facts. The baby does not want to be thrust upon you and I certainly do not want this icky child thrust upon me, slobbering all over me, its sticky, pincer like hands grabbing my hair.

You jiggle the baby up and down for a bit, cooing over how cute they are and then when they start to protest, look for their mum to come and relieve you, but mum has gone. Off down the office talking to someone else, not a thought given to the fact that they have left their 4 week old baby in the hands of a baby novice or, as my friends like to call me, the child hater. You manage to maneuver down the office, baby now screaming, having realised that you are not its mother. You find mum “I think he wants his mummy!” you are just about to make the exchange and be free of this snot ridden thing when you hear those two words. Give kisses. What? Sorry for a moment there I thought you were suggesting I kiss your snotty, germ ridden, funny smelling, wriggler of a baby. There is nothing you can do. The baby is screaming, the mum is just waiting for you to kiss the child before she will relieve you, you aim for the cheek in the hopes that this will limit the amount of snot transfer, and hope for the best.

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