There is nothing more stressful than the breakdown of a relationship. Although they say the most stressful thing you can do in your life is move house. PFFT, I’m not having that!
When you go into a relationship and it progresses into something serious, you think about your future and being together. You see a family you created together and being together for years to come. Going slightly off track, this is why I get annoyed when I hear comments like “Wow, 3 kids to 3 different guys”. Although there probably are women out there who don’t give a hoot, there are women who want nothing more than the family unit, with the same man. No woman (or man) would go into a broken down relationship knowingly. We go into it head on, hearts-a-pounding, feeling happy and positive about the future.
My Mum already had three children when she met my Dad and for good measure, they added me to the equation a couple of years into their relationship. As we all lived together, the word “half” never meant anything. My siblings and I were full sisters and brother as far as we were concerned. If someone questioned our surnames later on in life, I would explain “different dads” and they then became my half siblings. This bugged me to death.
Growing up, I never experienced what it was really like to have a different parent to them. Their father lived a fair way from us, which meant they didn’t see him very often. It is only as an adult that I have felt what it is really like and to be honest, it’s not that nice.
If their father visits where we live, they will go for a meal. Sort of like a ritual, for want of a better word. Don’t get me wrong, my siblings try their best to include me, but it’s hard to shake the feeling that “I’m not part of that side of their family”. They share the same memories of their father and, well, I just don’t. Being 100% honest with myself, I get a tad jealous. Jealous that I don’t have a sibling who shares what they do. A half sibling, whether brought up in the same home or not don’t have the same connections as “full” siblings. Writing this, it is quite difficult to put into words what I mean by that but in my head in makes sense.
Having experienced it myself, first hand, it makes me worry for my daughter.
I know some people are lucky to find new partners, who will happily take on their children. The worry would always be there though. If you had more children, would your child from your previous relationship be treat the same? Would your new partners family accept her or exclude her when their full blood nieces, nephews, grandchildren arrived? Would her Dad care as much if he had a new child? How will all this affect her?
All sorts of questions, worries and guilt swirl around in your mind.
I’m scared about the future.
I never thought I would have to deal with this, whether someone new would maybe enter mine and my daughter’s life. I didn’t think I would have to deal with her having another woman around to look at as a mother figure. I genuinely saw my life with my partner, daughter and a new addition sometime in the near future. Sharing all our memories together. I never thought for one second there would be memories made without me in them.
I hope as my daughter gets older, she realises why this happened and knows it is because we love her.
“You know, some parents, when they’re angry, they get along much better when they don’t live together. They don’t fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don’t, dear. And if they don’t, don’t blame yourself. Just because they don’t love each other anymore, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. There are all sorts of different families. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country – and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months… even years at a time. But if there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you’re going to be all right… bye-bye.” – Mrs Doubtfire