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Feeling within myself

I still miss him. I miss the smell of his body, I miss the way he touched me, his obsession with me, his jealousy… how could I ever think that we would be a family?

I miss writing, having been busy raising my daughter by myself. I don’t have contact with my ex-partner anymore since I have been relocated to another city by social services; things have been slow to happen and yet at the same time, chaotic. I only recently found out from a friend that my ex has moved on. Isn’t that too quick? Why would a man do that? Why would a man move on or even sleep with somebody else when he has a family somewhere else. Why would he not go to councilling to get his anger and issues sorted?

The funniest thing is, he is lying to his new love interests, saying he doesn’t have any kids and that he hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time! It’s madness. But I’m a fool, still here thinking about giving him a chance. The silly thoughts in my head; oh he has probably changed, shall I call him, maybe it’s my fault and I shouldn’t have said no every time.

I started looking him up on Facebook to see what he has been up to and that when I knew I had to do something. But I don’t know what. My family has told me to forget him, that he will come back to me when he is sorted, but my heart says to forgive. I forgave so many times, that I realise I haven’t got any self esteem.

At the age of 25, I have a great profession and an adorable daughter; I not missing anything. I’m not calling him. I’m not. Call me evil, but at the bottom of my heart I have done more than many other women would; given advice, chances, love and also put myself down for him, embarrassed myself and lied to people because of him. Now I just want to live my life. I just want to wake up and not think about him. I just want to be a happy, better person who takes my daughter travelling to explore different cultures and places.

Life is too good to be down for just one man. How many people are living on this planet. Billions? I don’t know, but what I am sure of is that everyone deserves happiness, including me!

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