There is always something odd about me. I have decided. I am not a normal woman.
For a start I do not own a normal woman handbag and I certainly wouldn’t spend more than 20p on one if I decided it was for me. I heard some have more than one, in different colours, styles and in something called a designer label. Then we get to what is found in a normal women’s handbag. I hear most own makeup. I don’t wear makeup. The last time I wore makeup was when I was a teenager. I spent a great deal of money buying the makeup, then spent another few hours trying to open the makeup and then the rest of the day applying and changing my mind over shades of eye shadow, lip stick and so forth. When I did manage to get to the club it was so hot my makeup all run off my face and I vowed that was a waste of money, time and quite scary for some to view a drunk clown in the local club. Many needed Therapy.
Now I do notice people own a lot of keys. You can hear them jangling in their women bags. I guess it is keys or maybe a bag of loose stones. I own one key maybe two when I remember, but I don’t take all my keys to every door, box and treasure chests around with me. I once met a lady who had over 20 keys on her key ring. Which ruins the words straight away. It is a single key ring. Not keys ring… I asked her why she needed so many, maybe she was a prison guard. She answered with: I haven’t got around to taking them off the ring. In fact one of the keys is the back door key to a house I had about 10 years ago. I don’t live there anymore. Nothing you could say to that really.
Phones. I know people need their mobile phones. I don’t own a mobile one. To take the one I do have what take a lot of cable and a few phone poles. People are amazed at me for not having a mobile phone. The reason for this is simple. There is never a signal. To use a mobile phone where I live you would have to walk about eight miles up a hill and if it’s raining, snowing, windy, sunny or foggy. You may as well not bother. And when I do finally get a signal after climbing Ben Nevis and receive the phone text whatever, a year would have passed. I also hate the fact some need to show me pictures of their new house, kids, animals or new diseases on their new-fangled camera phones. When popping in to see people before mobile phones were invented. None of them whipped out the photo album or decided to do a slide show of their new hip operation over tea and biscuits.
Now purses I do have. Ok I lied. I have one and there is little in it. I don’t own credits cards, because I hardly have any money. I am one of those over annoying people who stand in supermarket queues and count the change out. It’s ok. I only do it when there is a queue, usually I just hand them a note. I just think it would be a change to drive you all up the wall for once, because that is what you do to me when paying by credit card. First they have to find the thing which is tucked into the giant woman bag. The purse comes out, still cannot find the tiny piece of plastic. Then they realise that the one they gave isn’t the right one. Then the machine won’t work and meanwhile the lady who is happy to pay cash is has fallen asleep on the trolley and is dreaming that next time she sees this lady she will go to another till or even another store. They had the cheek to say I snored as well.
Now what else is found in a bag?
Lots of bits of paper full of numbers of people who you met in the street and are going to do lunch, even though at the time you have no idea who they were. I never have that mostly because they still remember the clown in the club. Diaries of course, which are mostly full of things like ‘dentist’ and ‘dinner party at Lady Flartbery’s house on the 18th, must remember to buy the cheapest plonk and print out new posh label.’ ‘Must pick up my sisters children at Timmy’s party. Oh joy must remember to pack crossbow’. And so forth. I am guessing here. I don’t own a diary either. I just own post it notes and stick them around the house to remind me to look for the post it notes. However I did learn that not many ladies have lists. Which to me is odd. Even if it is to remind them where about in the handbag they put the other lists.
Of course being a women, even though not a proper one is not just about handbags. I hear women know how to sew. What is that about? You don’t need to sew. That is why they invented duct tape.