Of late, I’ve been thinking about the things I would do differently if I had my life to do-over. My beloved father taught me that money, power and a lovely home do not necessarily form a restful sleep and when he passed away, he told me that he had always wanted to be a history teacher. Dad was the CEO of an engineering firm in New York City, which was a stressful, all consuming position that netted him well, financially.
Now, let’s see…
CHILDHOOD – I don’t think I had much control over that period of my life. I have a buried secret that perhaps I’ll pen one day, under a pseudonym. I’m feeling odd just thinking about it, so I’m going to move on.
TEEN YEARS – A tumultuous time of my life! I loved, maybe lusted after, one guy from the age of 13 until my college days. Truth be told, he still finds his way into a few naughty dreams. He never returned those feelings, so I’ll pass on that and take a do-over. I had some wonderful friendships, but we drank and drugged far too much. I’ll keep the friends and lose the ‘always-spaced-out-ness’ of it all. I practically lived at the riding stables. Riding was my passion, as was competing and travelling to horse shows. The excitement, the challenges and the rewards were without comparison. Other than an arm break that still bothers me, I will keep that part of my life.
A fresh-mouthed, spoiled gal, I’d like to have been more respectful and kind towards my parents. As I learned from being a mother, parenting is a damn difficult job. Although I was a good student, I didn’t retain as much as I would of like to. Of course, that was due to the fact that I was usually high!
COLLEGE YEARS – Without question, I was absolutely miserable. Panic attacks, depression and poor grades haunted and consumed that period. It was the beginning of a living hell. The emotional problems still plague me today, but to a much lesser degree. Years in therapy, many different medication trials and I only recently (aged 58) feel some contentment. Those psychological issues WERE fascinating and I did learn tolerance, intuitiveness, how the mind functions and compassion. I could go on about all that I ingested. Surprisingly, I will say that I’d rather not have missed that experience.
MARRIAGE – I adored my husband but I was a self-centered, neurotic and needy wife. He tolerated me for 2 decades. I would give my right arm to go back and try again with the knowledge that I now have. I’ve learned to compromise and be the ‘giver’ in my relationships. I look back on those days with acute shame. And great sorrow.
MOTHERHOOD – My amazing, wonderful son managed, somehow, to become so without an ideal mom. God knows that I tried, but I was only adequate. Would I live that section of my live again? Same son, different parenting style? ABSOLUTELY! This is the journey that I would most like to erase and have another go at. Dear son, forgive me for not being awesome.
CAREER – I flitted from one thing to another, never settling down for long. I believe that my panic disorder hindered any success that I may have obtained. I have held 12 different jobs but found passions in the past ten years as a writer and an animal rights proponent. Do-over? Yes, I would have loved to have been a veterinarian who wrote about my adventures.
HEALTH – I am overweight and smoke an E-cigarette. I am a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for 16 years. I’d be happier as a thin lady, but damn, I do love to smoke. I know, it’s a terrible choice and will likely take years off of my life. As sick as this sounds, I can’t fathom not smoking. In most of America, smoking is looked on as a disgusting habit of the uneducated… and I will have to agree to that. Being sober has been a God send though, and I cherish every minute that I remain so.
Do-overs? Yes, I’d be a thin, non-smoking, tee-totaler… without question.
Having looked back at the changes that I would make if I could relive my life, I’ll say that at those various periods of time it NEVER occurred to me to analyse and change. Perhaps we all have made grave mistakes that we would take back if we could.
I am who I am. Wonderful? Hardly. Worthy? Perhaps. Loved by some? Yes.