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Diary of a toddler in the morning.

Woke up yet again to find myself switched into that cage they call a cot. I mean seriously guys, paint all the cute bunny rabbits on it you like, if it is surrounded by bars it’s still a cage and that’s true whether you purchase it from IKEA or John Lewis love.  Also, what’s with the mattress in this thing? You lay atop your squishy, body moulding, cloud of comfort you call memory foam and I get what equates to a Ryvita to lie on. How is that fair?  And don’t even get me started on the blanket. A waffle blanket? Waffle? There you are in your cosy goose feather 15 tog duvet and me under a blanket that is full of holes. You don’t have to be a genius to realise there is a serious design flaw there. I bet they saw you coming in Mothercare, “Ooh let’s flog her that defunct blanket that’s full of holes. We’ll call it a waffle blanket and tell her it’s to prevent suffocation or something.” Seriously, what a load of old ‘waffle’.

I don’t see why you feel the need to move me anyway, I was quite happy in your bed. I mean it’s massive; I can lie horizontally across it and everything. Plus I was having a really good dream about fighting dinosaurs and had just managed to kick a Trex…it sounded a bit like dad actually but hey? Totally uncool to disturb such an awesome dream by manhandling me back into my room.

Anyways.  “Wahhhh”

Well that worked a treat. Here we are back in the big bed. Now for step two. Right if I just put my arm out here… Yep that’s dad poked in the eye, rolled over and out the way. Sucker. Now, let’s make the most of this space shall we. I’ll just put my feet up here, my head over here and my butt… well it’s kind of in mums face but in sure she won’t mind. Ahh this is the life “zzzz”

Ah, morning. A quick hug to start my day me thinks. “Mum hug me mum mum hug me.” Mmmm lovely, don’t get service like that in my room. Ooh looks like dads off to work, better just check

Me:”Dad go work.”

Mum: “Yes dad go work.”

Ah come on folks, its bad enough my verbal capacities might be restricted to just about allow me to string a sentence together, but you too? I expect more. Enough already, time to move this along.

Me: “Bye dad dad.”

Wait up, I said bye. I thought you were leaving, where’s your sense of duty? Don’t you have any concept of timekeeping? I say bye and you sneak back in for another hug? Pretty sure Alan sugar wouldn’t stand for this if you were his employee.

 Ok, he’s off, just me and mum then. Now this here nappy is rather full. If I just wiggle this way, put my leg over here, twist this way and “ahhhhh” that’s better now…what the?

Man. Mum was not as impressed with me at my ability to tiddle out the side of my nappy. Now she’s busy stripping off the bed sheets and I’m sat here butt naked. Actually, whilst the nappy is off… Ahhhhhh.

Oh dear. Mum didn’t look too pleased about that one either. Never mind. She’s running me a bath now. Corr, this is good. A nice warm bath. Now to freak mum out a bit. “Hot Hot Hot bath mum out.” Ha. That had her panicked. She proper thought I was being cooked like a lobster, bless her. As if, she’d done that elbow test and everything, I just can’t resist freaking her out from time to time. Tee hee.

Hold the front door guys, what’s this? Ooh, it stretches. Wow, I can pull on it. Hey mum, check this out. No I don’t want to leave my winky alone, it’s awesome. Has everyone got one of these hidden under their nappies? Look at it! How cool is this? I’m gonna have hours of fun with this thing let me tell you.

Hold it. She’s getting the jug. Not the hair. “No mum, no wash hair” Jesus! She’s just tipped a jug of water all over me! I’m sure child protection would have something to say about this and “Ugugugugug” God she did it again. Now I’m really miffed. “All done” she says, “That wasn’t so bad,’ “Now you’ve got nice clean hair,” well thanks but no thanks. I’d rather have dirty hair and a reduced risk of water inhalation please. Right, revenge. Here we go. Splash! Oh you like that do you? Think it’s funny? Well try this on for size!

Well that’s bath time over.

God I don’t get women. One minute she’s laughing and enjoying my splashing and the next I’m in a world of trouble and she’s harping on about the floor being wet. Go figure?

Oh well, whilst I’m sat here naked again….ahhhh.

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