If you were wondering what depression is like for someone with borderline personality disorder, here is an insight.
Today I woke up and felt heavy all over, like the strength needed to get up out of bed was massive. I feel so drained and empty I can hardly feel anything else but this doom and gloom which surrounds me. I feel locked in my own mind, like no one would ever understand. I don’t feel suicidal, I just feel a lack of life, like its moving fast around me and I’m just frozen in time. Everyone else around me is moving on with their lives, having boyfriends, engagements and even a career. No matter how hard I strive to have these things, my illness always gets in the way and I cancel on opportunities which could improve my life. I avoid situations which could possibly be fun or exciting. I’m always wanting something so bad but not having the strength to catch it.
Some days I feel as if there is a dark figure following me around, suffocating me, making it impossible to live a normal life. I’m constantly sleeping and trying to not to confront the demons in my own mind while not wanting to eat and feeling like I’m as big as a whale, or eating loads then wanting to throw it all up. Unhealthy habits seem hard to break and I fall back into them as quickly as I got out of them. I have never ending thoughts, which seem unbearable and impossible to escape from. I drink during the day on my own, thinking it’s normal and that loads of people do it, but they don’t and it’s not ok. I feel guilty for all the scars I have caused and hate not being able to escape from what I have done and all the pain I have caused because of mistakes that I never seem to learn from.
Medication only helps to a certain extent, the rest is down to will power of which I feel I have none. It seems easier to just stay the way I am and not improve because to improve you need to have the strength. I feel I have used up all my energy on not just taking an overdose or cutting myself. It’s a battle which my demons have to face every day. Every day I sit there and my head’s saying “do it, just cut again, it will make it all better”, but it don’t. I hate having these thoughts every day, it’s horrible and I can’t seem to stop them.
I’m so fed up of my life. It’s so fucked up at the moment with no job and no money. I see more of the walls in my house than I do my friends. I’m pushing people away because it’s easier than trying to stay in touch or getting them to understand.