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Debt and Collateral Damage

I always thought I was one of those people who would do well in life, that wouldn’t make any stupid choices and that would sail through the years being a happy and healthy person.

I have been incredibly lucky since graduating High School and I have lived to see some amazing things for the past 7 years. I have travelled, made friends for life, gotten a dog that I love to death and beyond and I have conquered some personal obstacles. I was doing great,  emphasis on was, until earlier this year. I moved to a new city and started looking for a job. It is hard to find a job here, they say, but it wasn’t for me. I was offered several interviews, which I suppose made me a bit full of myself and I got picky. I kept thinking a better job offer would come along and I did so until it was too late. Until the money ran out.

Once out of money, I realised my mistake. I tried my hardest to get back on my feet, but in the end I was forced to take out a loan to pay rent. “I’ll pay it back as soon as I get my first paycheck,” I thought, but it took a long time for that paycheck to come. I had nothing and if it hadn’t been for my best friend that lived with me at the time, I think I would have starved. There was nothing in the fridge most of the time, I used my last money to buy crappy dog food (the only one I could afford) for my dog and I kept ignoring the feeling of approaching disaster. I knew I had disaster breathing down my neck, but what could I do besides trying to fix everything? I kept it together, told no one about my troubles, I didn’t want to bother anyone. When my friends wanted to do things on the weekends I came up with excuses, I asked my job for an advance payment and was denied. While I had that loan on my mind, constantly, stressing myself to death about the idea of not being able to pay it back, I took another loan.

Ever since then – I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water. I have that constant feeling of being on a rocking ship in a storm. No matter how I try, I can’t find balance, but I don’t fall off either. It is exhausting, I tell you. I try to think of solutions but it is surprisingly hard. I own absolutely nothing (all my belongings fit into a suitcase), so I have already sold anything of value that I had and that wasn’t much. I wish for nothing more than to get rid of my debts and start over, but I also know that the only one who can make that happen is me.

Basically, I am in a very dificult position but something has changed buy nolvadex in usa over the past few days. I have stumbled upon a few realisations. I have thought that I have been keeping my money trouble to myself, but truth be told – I have allowed it to change me. I have gone from that happy and positive person that I used to be, to a bitter and quite nasty person who lashes out at my friends for no reason. I don’t know why I still have friends, to be honest. They have told me several times that I have changed, I have refused to believe them, but now I see it. I am no longer a happy person and it is because of my money troubles. I let my debt and money trouble get the best of me and for that I am ashamed. I have slipped into some kind of a negative downward spiral, depression perhaps, and I didn’t even realise. How is that possible?

My financial situation is no better now than it was before (oh well, I have food for the moment, so I suppose some things have improved), but I know now that my attitude hasn’t been doing me any favors. My friends have had to suffer for my problems, which simply isn’t okay. I have never been depressed and I think I have always thought that depression was something that could be fought. I know better now. I haven’t been aware of my depression, but seeing how it has affected my friends and the people around me – I know now that I haven’t been feeling well and I haven’t been myself.

I made mistakes this year that lead me to where I am today. I thought I could do more than I could, for which I am now paying the price. Believe it or not though, but I don’t necessarily regret my bad choices. They needed to be made  for me to get off my high horse, but what I do regret is that my friends have also paid a high price for my stupidity and issues. I’ve brought them down with me.

There is change in the winds. I still don’t know how to solve my financial situation, but I know that I need to be more positive. Good things bring good things and I need to try and repair the damage that has been done to my friendships. I used to think very highly of myself, think that I could do anything and that these things wouldn’t ever happen to me. Now I know better. Now I understand that this can happen to anyone, at any time and that bad choices are sometimes made with the best of intentions. I will find a way out, somehow, but even if I don’t, my loved ones deserve better than the (excuse my vocabulary) bitch I have become. This is my problem, not theirs and I am determined to solve it. With insight and self-awareness come solutions, right? I sure hope so.


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