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Controlling your jealousy versus going to prison.

I am not a jealous person. I think jealousy is an ugly emotion that does nothing but drive a wedge between people. We need to learn to turn our jealousy into admiration and then the world would be a much simpler and nicer place.

When it comes to relationships however, I am off-the-chart-crazy jealous. Whenever I’m at home watching a film where a crime of passion takes place, I have complete sympathy for the betrayed partner. I went through the whole of The Shawshank Redpemtion adamant that Tim Robbin’s character was guilty. I totally understand why he would have flown off the handle (not that I think it is okay, of course). But sometimes, when I’m in a relationship, I have to work very hard just to not commit a crime of passion in the local supermarket. I’m a little bit unstable.

Or rather, I was little bit unstable. Now, I have the whole jealousy thing under control. (I say this, but at the time of writing I am *very* single. So single in fact that I am beginning to enjoy Beyonce’s Single Ladies -Put A Ring On It when it comes on in a club. In singledom terms that’s one step before allowing your Nan to set you up on a blind-date with her gardener).

But the last time I was dating, I realized that whatever emotion was going on in my head, had to stop. If I went for drinks with my partner’s work and a female colleague touched his arm, within thirty seconds my best friend would get a text along the lines of:

‘She touched his arm. TWICE. Do you think she’s pregnant with his child?’

Of course, my best friend had no idea who ‘she’ was, but I didn’t have time to write any context. Not seeing as my partner was having an affair RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

That way of thinking becomes exhausting very quickly and one day, it hit me like a slap in the face; there is no point using energy worrying about something that has not actually happened. It is beyond ridiculous to get upset about an event that you have made up in your head. There are real-life, actual things in the world to get upset about. If I insist on stressing about something, I should at least focus my energy on protesting for a worthy cause.

I understand it’s not easy simply stopping your feelings of jealousy, so as a now-expert in the area, I have provided three top tips for overcoming jealousy:

Imagine you’re a magnet. Doesn’t matter what magnet. I’m going to choose those red and silver horse-shoe shaped ones, but honestly, you can be whatever type of magnet you want. Your partner’s a magnet too. Your north-seeking pole and their south-seeking pole met eyes across a crowded bar one night and you’ve been in love ever since. Everything you do only attracts your partner more: the way you flick your hair; the way you laugh at Disney; the way you dribble in your food. You are over-the-moon happy.

Then one day, another person comes along who makes you jealous and you are worried that your magnet partner might like them more than you. Rather than carry on as normal, being perfectly attracted poles, you flip on the crazy jealousy switch, which consequently, turns your north-seeking pole into a south-seeking pole. The affect is that you immediately start repelling your partner. When you’re jealous and begin to act out of jealousy, you do the opposite of the one thing you are trying to achieve- keeping your partner attracted to you.

If your partner wants to sleep with the person who has much sleeker, shinier hair than you, then let them.

Something I like to do when I feel jealous, is remind myself that while the ‘other woman’ may have shinier hair, I am the whole package- that’s if the whole package is knowing every David Brent quote, being able to cook mean Old El Paso fajitas and being able to discuss current affairs at a dinner party. I am the whole shebang! If my partner wants to give all that up for shiny hair over there, well, I think we all know who’s really losing out.

If you actually do let jealousy consume you and end up, say, jabbing a potential threat with a fork, you will go to prison. And prison is bad.

So, next time you feel a need to whack the woman at the supermarket check-out who, may have a nervous twitch, but who you’re sure is winking at your fella/lady, just think of my advice.

You’re welcome.

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