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A Chance to Speak

My darling love,

I never want an argument, but I am sure if I voice my grievances to you in person, not only will I get muddled in what I want to say but you will turn it all on me and make me feel like the one in the wrong. It’s your defence mechanism. So here I am writing it down, so I can get it all out properly without any interruptions.

I get that you’re tired. I get that after college and work, that is now a ten-hour day for you five days a week, all you want to do is either go to bed or sit at your computer and play your games or watch your anime shows. I have no issue with that. What I do have issue with is your sympathy for me seems to have waned and I don’t feel any respect for me. Not as much as I used to, anyway.

We both agreed that while you were at work I would look after the house. Now I’ve lost my job, I can do that, and I’m getting quite good at being domesticated. I sort out the clothes, do the washing, hoover round and wash the pots. And I will do my best to make a meal for you each evening. As I love you, I have no problem with that.

But you seemed to have forgotten that I am pregnant and I am suffering from morning sickness that will not let me go until quite late in the evening. My unborn foetus, even though it is barely two months along, gives me a constant bad back, I am so exhausted my head hurts and it takes me several hours to get to sleep. I try to catch a bit while our daughter is having her nap but that means eating into my free time that I could spend doing what I want to do. And that means the only time at all I get to myself to put my feet up without a child crawling all over me is after she’s gone to bed and that isn’t even very long either.

I love my daughter and she is a joy but she is tiring. I do need some time to myself. When she became more mobile I had to give up a lot by moving my laptop to a safe area that she can’t get to, only getting it out when she’s not around. It seems only fair that you sacrifice a little bit of your computer time because you know already that your daughter is going to want your attention and you won’t get anything done.

You say I get some time off to myself but that’s only a couple of hours a week, mainly on a Saturday while I go out to umpire hockey. That isn’t really time to relax, that’s my exercise time. I don’t get to really relax, so to say that me asking to have a lie down on Sunday cos I’m exhausted is a short ask is not fair since you spend virtually all Sunday in bed.

You love our daughter, I know that, and I know that you love me, but I feel like you don’t seem to respect me much right now. I’m the one that has to get up with her in the morning – EVERY morning – even though it’s a decent time of 7.30/8am while you sleep in and expect me to get you a cup of tea so you can get up. You used to be so good at getting up in the morning – what happened? I’m the one that has to keep her out the way while you get on with your essays, but even then you should know by now that this will be a difficult task. Why not wait until she goes to bed and give up some of your own free time to do it? I have to do it, so why can’t you?

All I ask is for a bit more respect. Just take a step back and realize that while you may be going out achieving what you want, I am at home with our child 24/7 and it’s increasingly difficult. It will get harder once I go further into my pregnancy and I hope you realize it by then.

I see that you do spend time with your daughter and I see her thriving on it, but don’t constantly cart her onto me at the first chance you get. Ask me nicely and when I want to go up to lie down in bed for an hour let me go. Do not bung our daughter into her cot when she doesn’t need a nap and get into bed yourself! It ends up with me getting up to look after her and that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I need my rest now I’m carrying baby number 2 and to have it taken away like that hurts.

I would like you to get up with our daughter, just one morning a week. That’s not asking for much, is it? And I don’t mean me rolling over and rubbing your back as an incentive to get you out of bed or for you to say I’ll get up in a minute and that turns into fifteen, by which time I’ve already got up because I’m fed up with your laziness. You go to bed before me most nights, so why are you still wanting more sleep? I would love to have a lie-in one day of the week, preferably Sunday, and you can get some quality time in with your daughter, who worships the ground you walk on. She would love that time with you.

I appreciate the things you do for us and for our future and I know you love us. I love you, don’t get me wrong. But you said a while back you didn’t feel like I respected you because I rushed your cups of tea. Now the tables have turned and you don’t seem to respect me as much as I would like because you seem to forget in your tiredness and worries that I’m expecting again. I know the weekends are sacred to you now but don’t forget that I need a break as well. I need plenty of rest around my chores and it’s not asking for much to lie down on my own for an hour or two, is it? I don’t think it is. I always let you go upstairs so why can’t it happen for me? Umpiring hockey is not relaxing, remember that!

I don’t think I’m asking for much. I just want a bit more leeway and a bit more sympathy. I don’t want to be an exhausted zombie throughout my pregnancy. I want to enjoy it. And I can’t enjoy it if I’m not allowed my own breaks.

Please, it’s all I’m asking for. And to get it out like this was the only way I could make you listen without interrupting me or turning it back on me. I hope you take it into account because your daughter would love more time with you now she barely gets to see you during the week. And I hope you’ll be able to appreciate me more and see that I am not just sitting at home with my feet up and that is certainly not relaxing.

I love you,

Your loving fiancee


  • Katharine, Thank you for sharing some uncomfortable feelings with other women who may be experiencing similar emotions. Back in the day, a long time ago, I too felt ‘neglected’ by my guy. I realize that seems like a powerful word, however I did feel lonely and a bit frightened when I was pregnant. Top that off with a body that seems to be climbing Mt. Everest and you got all the ingredients for feeling low. Please realize, however, that there is an end in sight and remind yourself often that you are strong. You GO GIRL!!

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