A network for women by women




I am sitting her at 10pm after being in the house for 5 days trying to figure out what to do with next portion of my life. I have had thought’s, I have considered my passions and I have generally got myself into a rather large funk. I thought shopping might take my mind of it, but just ended up leaning against the front door sighing loudly. Firstly I wouldn’t mind a heads up on how long life is going to be. I mean am I looking at 5 years and then a collision with a bus or 40 years and a colostomy bag with dementia. Actually as I wrote that I realised it is the latter, I am a fine candidate for dementia.
People tell me I can do whatever I want to. They have always said that, even when I was a small child. I find myself saying the same thing to my 17 year old son, he has a quality that indicates he is on course for greatness. I can’t put my finger on what it is, so I suppose that’s what people see in me/ us.
I am 39 now. My choices are limited. I still look quite young so I am told. It’s odd really because when I look at myself all I see is saggy eyes, a pot-bellied stomach and a huge set of bingo wings. I don’t think any of those things are going to hinder what I do in life though. After all, I was never set to be a super model.
There was a time when I wanted to be a model. I remember going to ‘The Clothes Show Live’ at the NEC in Birmingham. I worked them pop up stalls like a pro (professional I mean, though I could have been mistaken for prostitute given the make-up I had on.) In that lovely faze of teenage kicks when you believe your own hype, I thought, model, yep I can do that. But, when it was pointed out that I was 5ft 5inches, had short hair and generally nothing model like. I quickly realised that ‘anything you want to do’ had limitations.
I left school and college with a bevy of qualifications that were relevant to exactly nothing. Even then, careers and work eluded me. Once I came home from college and announced ‘I am going to help Romanian orphans.’ No-one looked up, but I heard a collective sigh round the room
What did I want to do? What did I like? Did I have an ambition? I started to train as a hairdresser after a temporary job at a sports shop where I got discounted trainers. I also worked in a bar at weekends.
In actual fact, it was THE only bar. I come from a small place.
With working in the pub, getting discounted trainers and washing hair, I thought I had hit the big time. At seventeen I was very easily satisfied
So with my ‘career’ marked out in hairstyles and cheap beer, I wasn’t worried. Then I got pregnant. I know what you’re thinking, how typical, and your right, it really was. So two months before I qualified in the hair industry, I became a Mum and therefore could no longer achieve my goal.
Three months after becoming a Mum, I went back to work as an administration assistant. I lied my teeth off to get this job and learnt as much as I could whilst I was there. It didn’t last long really, I got bored, as usual.
Then came another shop job, child-minding, working for a bank, admin in a brewery, working in another shop, I even managed to pull off getting an assistant buyers job for Ethel Austin with a fake CV. This job lasted 2 weeks and I wouldn’t recommend saying you can use macros unless you actually can.
When my second son was one, I decided to go back to college and get more useless qualifications. I did very well and somehow ended up getting accepted to University to do Psychology. University nearly killed me. I was throwing two kids from pillar to post; working part-time and doing a 40 mile commute every day. It wasn’t a very well thought out plan really.
Then I went to work the bank again. This time it lasted 4 years. Then I went back to Uni and did another year of Psychology and then I finally gave up everything after becoming ill for a very long time.
So, now I am better. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I’ve already enrolled on a hairdressing course for September, but again, I find myself thinking, what do I want. If I repeat the cycle, I am going to be a 79 year old Post Grad Psychology student. I can’t see the shot drinking and knickers on my head part of student life as pretty prospect at that age.
One thing I am flirting with is writing a book. I think I am writing this to see if anyone would actually read it. If you are reading this and see any budding writer skills in me, please send me a postcard. I could churn out a book of these musings in around 3 weeks.
The advantages of writing for me are as follows:
• I can’t offend anyone to their face,
• I can say exactly what I want without being arrested
• I don’t have to lie on my CV
• I don’t have to leave the house or wash my hair
They are great advantages aren’t they? I am mostly attracted by the not having to wash my hair bit. I have extensions. I can take all day to calm them after they have become wet. But I digress. For now, I think I will carry on writing. Aside from liking it, it’s a great thing to put on a CV….. Now can I actually say I am a writer if nothing has been published or is that CV lies ……? Arrrgghhhh, here we go again.
Love Keels xx


  • Amy Tocknell says:

    Come and join the world of scruffy writers Keels. My hair is clean (because I washed it last night and slept with it wet) but I am currently hard at work, in my favourite Dalmatian-print pyjamas.One thing I will say with utter seriousness is that doing something you love will absolutely set you free. I know that I will over edit my first book, and take forever to actually finish the blasted thing, but with every page I complete, I feel more satisfaction than I ever did in all my other jobs. xx

  • Keeley Keeley says:

    Thanks Amy, I am trying and loving the experience. Thanks to you guys for making it possible xx

Leave a Reply